


Dear Connor Murphy

by KageRyou6587



Series: Dear Connor Murphy [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Afterlife, BoyxBoy, Bullying, Cheating, Death, Ghost Evan Hansen, Homophobia, M/M, Suicide, Triggers, real sad, some smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-28
Updated: 2018-12-11
Packaged: 2019-01-06 16:01:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 23
Words: 29,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12214149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KageRyou6587/pseuds/KageRyou6587
Summary: Evan Hansen was in deep, He was in love with the boy who would sit next to him in science and draw trees on his paper like he knew they were Evan's favorite. When that boy becomes angry and distant to the world, Evan finds no will to live. Connor pretends he was Evan's friend and deals with the lie the only way he knows how. When Evan returns to save him, Connor would do anything to keep Evan with him, even if it meant shattering them both.





	1. A Therapists Suggestion

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! This is my first story on Archive of Our Own, I'm always open to suggestions and I'll try to post chapters as often as I can.

(Evan)

            My eyes laid unfocused in my head, staring at a tan ceiling. The red leather of my therapist’s chair rubbed against the skin of my arms, I tensed, panicking that I was maybe making too much noise. 

“Evan?” I heard Dr. Sherman’s overly calm voice carry over the air to me. I blinked, shaking my head, in more of a violent jerk than a shake.

“I-I’m sorry. What were you... um, what did you say?” I squeaked out trying to sound calm, and cursing the quiet tone. I heard a sympathetic sigh behind my head.

“I asked if you thought you had improved over the summer and if you were ready to start writing the letters now that you're heading back to school?” I squinted my eyes, a million thoughts running through my head. _Did I improve? Did I improve on what? What am I supposed to say? On a scale of 1-10? Or maybe she would like a written essay? Do I have time for a written essay? Will I get graded on it? What if I get a bad score? Am I not allowed to keep coming if I score badly? And the letters, does she want them with quotes? MLA format or the other one no one uses? WAIT. Letters?_

“Don’t worry, Evan. If you feel like you haven’t improved then we need to start the letters right away. Can I ask you to write a letter every day, it can be to anyone, yourself, your mom, anyone you need it to be to, and I need you to tell them in that letter why it’ll be a good day. It doesn't need to be really long or anything, no one but you and I will see them. Can you do that? I’ll have you bring the letter for the day into our sessions. How does that sound?” I nodded, still trying to process her words. Then I realized she couldn’t actually see me, only hear the sound of crinkling leather.

“I-Imeanyes, yeah that sounds fine.” The first words cannonballed out of my mouth, landing heavy, and taking a breath, I finished the sentence a little too quickly.

“Great!” The notebook in her hands slamming closed, startled me and I jumped, shrinking into myself into the couch. Her shadow covered my face and I glanced at her darkened figure. Seeing her crinkled eyes and wrinkly dimpled smile, I felt more anxious than relaxed. _I wonder if her other patients feel better seeing that..._ Standing carefully, I shook her hand.

“I’ll see you next Thursday, Evan. Remember to keep up on those letters.” She smiled a triumphant smile and I caved.

“See- um, see you next Thursday.” I walked to the door and left the small bare tan office. I walked carefully down the cramped hallway, until it opened up into a slightly larger tan room with lots of windows. My mom’s blonde hair shined in the light of the brightly lit waiting room. She looked up and smiled at me.

“You ready, hon?” I nodded. Rising from the waiting room couch, she led me outside to the car in silence. As she started the car, I could tell she was just dying to ask me how it went. I just slouched in the passenger seat and stared out the window, my dirty blonde hair falling over my forehead and onto my eyebrows just enough so I could see the color in my peripheral. Quiet music faded through the radio and filled the silence with whispering instruments and words. _Who should I write the letters to? Would they really help me? When should I start writing them?_ I thought about the letters and a certain long brown haired, pale skin, grey blue eyed, individual popped into my mind and wouldn’t leave. I thought about the black jeans that clung to a figure, and the large jacket that, if I wore, would drown me in fabric. I thought about large hands placed firmly on my arms and cool rough calouses chilling the skin to goosebumps. Inhaling sharply, I pulled at the edge of my striped polo shirt and played with the sewn seam. I heard my mom clear her throat.

“So, Honey, how was it?” Her voice was sweet and high pitched, like she was trying too hard to be cheerful. A wide smile stretched at her lips as I glanced at her from the corner of my eyes. _I wonder what he’d look like smiling like that... Eyes shining brightly with adoration, shoulders slightly up with the swell of warmth from a beating heart, hidden things like dimples and freckles shown as a smile and bubbly laugh breaks through._ The thought made me crinkle my nose as a small smile stole across my face at my daydream. Focusing back on my mom, my smile stills and slips.

“It was okay mom. She asked me to write letters to a person of my choice every day to tell myself that it’s going to be a good day and why.” At my quiet voice, she smiled wider.

“That’s wonderful Ev! Who are you going to write them to?” His face popped in my mind again.

“I have a few ideas, but I haven’t, well, decided yet.” I said shrinking my shoulders forward and up as if to hide. She giggled.

“That’s okay, Honey. You’ll figure it out. You know what’ll help you the most after all.” As the car pulled into the cracked concrete of our driveway and I looked up at our familiar, crumbly, cream colored house, I couldn’t help but wonder if I had actually had any clue about anything. The green of the lawn and the swaying oak tree gave me the feeling of Ellis State Park. It was my favorite place on Earth, and the only physical place that I could feel truly like myself. The thought of spending next summer there as an apprentice park ranger held promise and hope in the gray world that seemed to surround my waking days. Hearing the car being put in park, I unbuckled the worn fabric seat-belt and stumbled out of the small blue car that took me to and from school and my mom to work and classes. She rolled down the window.

“Ev! I’m gonna head to class. Order some dinner for yourself while I’m gone okay? I’ll take you to school tomorrow too, if you want.” Her voice deepened as she tried to make it carry over to me, even though I wasn’t very far away. I nodded.

“Sounds good mom. See you later.”

“I love you Evan!” I walked to the porch and waved over my shoulder to her. Opening the door, I watched the car pull away.

“Love you too.” I whispered to myself and closed the door. Idly passing through the living room, I traveled up the stairs and swung open the door to my bedroom. Gently tossing my backpack on my desk, I sat on my bed. _I have school tomorrow. I don’t want to go._ I laid back, agonizing over the fact I’d have to suffer through a week of school, not even considering the day to come. Then his beautiful face popped into my head and busted open doors and windows, like it owned the place. Although, in all reality, he really did. _I wonder if he’d ever notice me. Does he feel like he's trapped, just looking in on everyone else through a barrier too? I wonder if he’d ever love me._ Thinking back on Dr. Sherman’s words, I immediately know who I’m going to be writing my therapy letters to. Straining to sit up, I move over to my desk. Pulling out a paper and a pen, I settle down and start to write.

“Dear...”


	2. Black

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I FIXED IT!!! PLEASE REREAD I'M SO SORRY YOU ALL HAD TO SUFFER THROUGH THAT AWFUL CHAPTER YESTERDAY BUT I FIXED IT DON'T WORRY!!

(Connor)

            I felt the migraine settle behind my eyes before I even opened them. The blankets and sheets on my bed were tangled and sticky around my sweaty body. I groaned in distaste as the sunlight pierced my eyes through my curtains.

“Well isn’t this fucking great?” I grumbled as my voice caught in my throat, thick and scratchy from the lack of use over the hours of sleep. I rubbed my eyes with my calloused fingertips, noticing they still smelt of the weed from the night before. Sitting up haphazardly, I looked to the small digital clock on my dresser. _Are you fucking kidding me? 6am?! There’s no way in hell I’m getting through school today if I’m waking up this much earlier than my alarm._

Reaching under my mattress, I felt around for a small bag, as my dull brown hair was now long enough to block my vision when I bent down. I took out a small sandwich baggy of weed. I threw my legs over the side of the bed and stood, my feet thickly hitting the floor, my weight, primarily from my height, settling in my thighs and calves. I opened the window above my desk harshly and leaned over the desk to be over the windowsill. The edge of the desk pressed roughly into my stomach just above my bellybutton but I loved the feeling of the bruising skin and tissues. Rolling a joint was easy, I had done it so many times during this summer it had become a muscle memory I, often, wished to forget.

I stared out at the trees far in the distance over houses and streets, as my fingers rolled and pulled. Reaching into pocket of the itchy black denim jeans that clung to my thighs and hips to grab the cool metal of the lighter with slightly shaking fingertips, realization dawned. _Oh my- Jesus Christ. I’m wearing the clothes I wore yesterday._ I groaned inwardly, rolling my eyes at last night me. I stuck the joint between my lips and drew in a long, exaggerated breath.

 Feeling the smoke sink deep into my lungs, already clouding my head with fog. _Man, this is good shit._ I thought appreciatively as I exhaled. Feeling relaxed already, I put more time in between each drawl of the joint. Looking at the trees, I noticed the way the soft green contrasted with the baby blue of the sky and the delicate white of too close clouds. I felt the small feeling of peace start to bubble in my stomach like a slow burn I couldn’t ignore. The comfortable foreign feeling shot away like a bullet through a gun when my eardrums were shattered by a loud knocking on my door.

“Connor honey! It’s time for breakfast! You need to eat before you go to school okay?” I frowned, the relaxed and peaceful feeling disappearing like the smoke from the forgotten joint between my fingertips. I stamped it out on the outside of the windowsill and pulled the curtains. Clearing my throat gently, I walked to the closet and started to peel off my grey t-shirt and skinny jeans.

“I don’t really wanna go mom.” I heard my scratchy voice call to the door, before I could stop myself. My eyes widened at the footsteps coming back to the door, my hands pulling up a new pair of ripped black jeans over my pale skinny legs. Knuckles tapped the door again, a bit gentler this time.

“Do you not feel good honey?” My mom’s voice dripped sympathy and concern. My lips pursed in annoyance as I buttoned the pants. _Since when did the mere sound of her voice annoy me?_

“No. Mom. I just don’t want to waste my day at school when I couldn’t give a shit!” I spit out venomously. I practically hear her flinching against the tone of my angry voice. I grabbed a shirt off a hanger and smelled it cautiously. _Hmmph, seems clean enough._ I slipped my arms through the sleeves, stopping at my biceps when her voice came again, cutting the silence.

“Connor, you have two more years. Just buck up and stick it out. Maybe it’ll be different this year.” I heard her angry and hopeful tone push through the wood, then her small heels stomp away on the carpet of the hall. I sighed, pulling on my shirt the rest of the way. Shoving my feet in my worn black combat boots, the laces loose and bunchy around my ankles. I grabbed my large hoodie, zipping it up to my diaphragm and fingering the fabric. The worn black cotton, was soft as clouds, smelling of years of campfires, months of cigarette smoke, and sprays of smooth forest cologne.

 Pushing my hair out of my face, I left my room, closing the door harshly behind me, the sound making me flinch slightly. Walking into the bathroom across the hall, my shaky hand grabbed the silver of the faucet handles on the porcelain white sink. The cold stinging my fingers and my palms numb. The fog in my head was finally clouding my thoughts and my vision started to swim. Watching myself turn on the water from inside my head and splash my face with the freezing water, I felt distant and separate. The bone shattering cold startled me as I ran my bony fingers over my sharp facial features. I heard a familiar sniff echo in my ears from the doorway behind me. I spun quickly faced with the face of none other than my little sister, all soft jawed and gentle eyed from sleep.

“Jesus, Zoe! You scared me!” I shouted before I could calm the flame of fear in my chest. Her eyes steeled. _What’s wrong with her? She’s fucking silent. Not my fault she scared me._ She narrowed her eyes.

“Are you high?” She asked sniffing the air again and examining my bloodshot eyes. I blinked slowly and turned to avoid her steely gaze. She scoffed under her breath. I examined her loose denim jeans and light pink blouse with a small tan cardigan over the top. _God, what the fuck is she wearing?_ Scrunching my nose in distaste at all the color, I decided to answer her.

“Bitch, I might be.” I smirked out, trying to make a joke. She pushed her eyebrows down into her eyes, glaring harshly.

“Figures.” She mumbled angrily as she shoved past me and into the bathroom, “Get out.” She growled and I felt my spinal cord lengthen and squeeze with anxious pressure. Nodding stiffly, I turned on my heel and walked out, very nearly avoiding the slamming door from behind me. I leaned against the wall, resting my head. This summer had been hard. The kids at school had found my number somehow and started texting me daily insults and suggestions on how to kill myself. I was never as good as Zoe, but I did used to be better than this... shit case I am now. I thought about Zoe. We used to be so close, my parents too. I heard glass shattering downstairs.

“Ah. The asshole’s home.” I mumbled quietly as I shrunk down the carpeted stairs.

“YOU BITCH! Are you trying to kill me with your shitty coffee?!” I heard Larry’s voice screaming. I walked into the kitchen to see my mom in her usual yellow button up shirt and jeans shrunk in on herself, her cinnamon hair falling out of its perfect place into her face, and I saw the broken bits of the coffee mug and the dark liquid streaming down the coffee creamer colored wall next to her. Larry stood with his arms crossed, screaming, his voice cracking every few words from the overexertion. His grey button up wrinkled and sticking out of his beer and food stained jeans, his right foot in one of his plaid slippers and one sock on his left foot. His salt and pepper hair messy, sticking up in random places and his image disheveled, eyes bloodshot and face greasy. Trembling, trying to pretend she wasn’t scared, mom looked at me, eyes flickering with shock to see me downstairs before breakfast. Her eyes flashed back to Larry before he could notice me.

“Honey, I-I’ll get you a new one right away.” Her voice shivered past her painted lips and she jumped from the wall, busying herself with making him another cup of coffee. I let out a sigh of exhaustion and relief, subtle but loud enough for him to take notice. He turned to face me, his eyes cloudy with disappointment and left-over alcohol.

“Hi son.” His voice was venomous and spitting. _Of fucking course, he’s still drunk from the weekend party at his work._

“Hiya Larry.” I spat out just as angrily. He growled. His eyes narrowing. He stepped menacingly toward me, standing only a head or two above my tall frame.

“Show your father some respect, boy.” The alcohol smell on his breath stung my already burning eyes as he came ever closer, clamping a hard hand on my shoulder and refusing to let go. Thick fingers dug into the skin, already leaving bruises beneath the thin shirt I wore.

“I’m sure he didn’t mean anything by it, Honey. Say you’re sorry to your father, Conner.” At my mom’s voice, I rolled my eyes, ignoring how much I was under Larry’s judgmental scrutiny. I shrugged his hand off my throbbing shoulder and sauntered to the table, throwing myself into the chair nearest me. Larry stumbled, tripping over his feet and the hardwood floor to the table, pulling out the chair at the head of the table. He practically melted into the tan wooden chair and I snorted in disgust under my breath. My mom walked carefully to the stairs, and called upstairs to Zoe.

“Zoe, it’s time for breakfast. Come down please!” Zoe bounded down the carpeted stairs and practically jumped into her chair across from me.

I glanced at our places set up with delicate porcelain plates of toast, eggs, and pancakes. Glasses full of orange juice and milk scattered around the mahogany table. I sighed in annoyance at the fact that just looking at food made me feel sick. _I can’t remember the last time I felt hungry... Did I eat yesterday?_ My thoughts were interrupted by my mom dumping herself gracefully into her seat and holding out her hands to Zoe and me.

“Let’s say grace.” Larry and I groaned. My mouth opened before I could stop it.

“There’s no way in hell, I’m saying grace with you guys.” My words were harsh and foreign in my mouth. Larry face turned red as he became furious and my mom’s looked hurt and shocked. Zoe rolled her eyes.

“Of fucking course” Her grumbled words set me more on edge and I saw myself moving before I felt it. My hand slammed the table.

“FUCK YOU!” I screamed, getting up and stomping out as Larry started yelling loudly and Zoe and mom tried to calm him down. Soon enough I could hear all of them yelling as I stomped through the living room, slamming my thigh into the arm of the couch. Cursing and holding my jean-clad leg, I walked out the front door, slamming it for good measure. Sitting in the passenger side of Zoe’s silver Prius waiting for her to take us to school I put my head in my hands. _Why am I such a fuck up? Why can’t I just control myself? What is wrong with me?_ Positive that my thoughts were just the high from earlier talking, I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against the seat. As soon as I felt myself drifting off to sleep, Zoe came out and slammed the driver side door, jumping me out of my almost nap.

“Nice going, Connor.” She spat out at me. I didn’t respond, only shrugged my shoulders to my jaw and stared out the window. She buckled quickly and started driving us to school, the car bumping and shuddering along with every crack and pothole in the road. Zoe’s delicate fingers turned on the radio and she rolled her shoulders. We sat in silence except for the low mumble of the radio.

“Today maybe don’t give anyone a reason to yell at you okay?” She said angrily in my direction as she pulled the car into the school parking lot. Parking, she glared at me.

“And don’t even think about talking to me either.” She practically growled as she slammed the driver’s door. I flinched slightly at the noise and just sighed, hitting my head against the back of the seat. _Jesus Christ on a bicycle. Now you have to suffer through school Connor. This is why we don’t take naps in the car._ I grabbed my gray book bag and threw it over my shoulder sauntering into the gray school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll update as much as I can over the weekend! Tell me what you guys think! Love you guys and thanks so much for all your support!


	3. Oh My God, Connor Murphy Touched Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Third Chapter Up Fam! Finally, I know! I'll post another one tonight, I promise. Enjoy!

(Narrator)

            Soft light started to filter into the small bedroom, casting shadows on the different things that had been hidden in the dark. Evan had stayed up all night writing a letter to someone he was sure would never notice him, but in his defense, that person would never be able to read his personal and quite embarrassing letter. He sat on the edge of his dark blue comforter covered bed and stared at the letter. He had been reading and rereading it for hours.

“Dear Connor Murphy,” He read aloud to himself for, what seemed like, the hundredth time in ten minutes, “Today is going to be a good day, and here’s why...” He paused taking a deep breath, his voice barely above a whisper.

“Because, maybe today, I’ll have the courage to actually talk to you, not just stare at your dark hair and blue eyes and pale skin from a distance. And I’m not going to worry about my hands being sweaty because you’re not going to want to hold my hand so I can just pretend you don’t make me incredibly nervous, but not because you’re scary, no it’s because you’re too beautiful to ever pay attention to someone like me, so like why am I worrying about it?” He shuddered, his voice fading as he ran out of breath from his near anxiety attack. He looked up to the window and back to the rough paper in his hands and began again.

 “Of course, I know you’re probably not gay and everyone thinks you’re high all the time and dangerous, but I think you must be different from what everyone says, it’s the only thing that makes sense. And I noticed how you draw trees in the margins of your science notes and how you run your fingers over that faded jacket you always wear, like the texture is still surprising to you after all this time. And I know how you flinch when someone bumps into you in the hall, like anyone’s touch hurts. And I noticed how you nap beneath the willow tree by the soccer fields instead of going to class. But it’s better to pretend because you’d reject me in an instant, this I know. But I think if I at least tried, then maybe things would be different. Sincerely, the guy who’s in love with you, Evan Hansen.” Evan stared at his letter again, lost in thought. Thinking deeply about what it’d be like to have Connor Murphy know he was alive, Evan almost didn’t hear his soft alarm telling him to get ready for the day.

Reaching to turn it off, Evan stood and tucked away the letter in a smooth green folder and placing it into his large black backpack. He changed, pulling off his white sleep tank top in favor of his favorite blue striped polo shirt. He pulled on a pair of loose brown khakis and tied his tennis shoes before reaching down to grab the backpack he had previously placed on his bed. Stepping out the bedroom door and walking carefully down delicate and creaking wood stairs, Evan caught sight of his mom sipping coffee at the small dining room table only meant for four, without its usual patronage of two. Her blonde hair was messy in its curly appearance, like she moved around while she slept, her baby blue pajamas were a calming and familiar sight to Evan and he loved seeing the soft cottony material to start his day.

“Oh, good morning Honey, I was just about to come wake you.” Her tired and sleep filled voice still seemed overly cheerful and crowding to Evan’s ears. He sat delicately in the chair across from her and took a small sip from the glass of water in front of him. He glanced up to see her examining the bags under his sleep deprived eyes.

“Did you sleep at all last night?” She asked, her voice dripping in cheerful concern. Evan shook his head gently.

“Well no- because I was um working on the letter you know? The letter Dr. Sherman told me to um write?” Evan stuttered out in a hurry while his mother, Heidi, looked on in gentle comfort.

“Ah, I see. Did you write one for today?” His mother asked gently. Evan nodded in firm affirmation.

“I started one.” Heidi smiled brightly at his response.

“Oh, that’s wonderful. These letters are so important, I just know they’re going to help you.” Evan felt a pain in his chest at the thought his own mother thinks he needs to be fixed.

“How will they help me?” Evan asked cautiously. Heidi’s smile faltered.

“Oh. Honey, you know I didn’t mean, I just meant that the letters might build your confidence.” Evan nodded at Heidi’s gentle tone. Evan stood and headed to the bathroom up the stairs.

“I need to finish getting ready.” Heidi nodded and put her head in her hands. By the time Evan came walking out of the bathroom again, his hair was gelled perfectly to the side and his teeth brushed, and Heidi was nowhere to be found. Evan felt the small feeling of sadness and panic in his gut. He couldn’t help but think that maybe she had forgotten she said she’d take him to school. His thought was put to rest by Heidi coming down the stairs in green scrubs, her hair pinned in a bun on the back of her head. She looked to Evan standing next to the table, staring at her happily. She grinned.

“You ready to go honey?” She held up her keys and Evan nodded feeling relieved. The drive was silent and soon enough Evan was waving goodbye to his mother as he stood on the school sidewalk. He turned, heading toward the large gray school building. He clenched his fists around the straps on his backpack and pinched his shirt fabric between his fingertips as he steeled his eyes downwards, avoiding looking at everyone else. He was about halfway to the school building when he felt someone catapult into his body, knocking him to the ground. He groaned at the pain where his head had hit someone’s bony shoulder blade. He heard a low scratchy voice above him.

“Hey... um, you alright shorty?” Evan’s eyes widened at his recognition of the deep luscious sound of Connor Murphy’s voice. Evan’s face lifted and his eyes met the glorious grey eyes of the tall boy above him. Evan felt his cheeks and ears heat up in a hot blush.

“Um-um y-yeah, I-I, um it was...my um it was my fau-fault.” He stuttered out, nervous to be face to face with his crush. Connor’s face screwed up in small anger. His hand lashed out and grabbed Evan’s bicep, yanking him up into Connor’s face. Evan squeaked and felt his face go redder at Connor’s rough hand on his arm and the smell of mint and weed on his breath.

“Then get out of the way!” Connor released Evan’s arm by pushing him away from him harshly. Evan stumbled and stared after his retreating figure, blush still flaring across his cheeks. Evan heard his best- family friend, Jared Kleinman call out to him.

“Oh my god! Hansen are you okay?! Did Connor fucking Murphy just shove you twice?” Jared had grabbed Evan’s shoulders and checking him for injury. Evan could only stare at the thin figure of the most gorgeous boy Evan had ever seen, now knowing what it felt like to have Connor’s attention only on him. Jared repeated his question, waving a hand in front of Evan’s eyes, tearing Evan’s attention away from the clenching fists of Connor Murphy.

“Evan, did you hear me? Are you okay?” Evan nodded his face heating again at the lingering feeling of Connor’s fingers with black chipped painted nails, digging gently into his arm. Evan looked to Jared dreamily, causing Jared’s heart to flutter quietly.

“Connor Murphy- he... oh my god, Connor Murphy touched me!” Evan whispered under his breath to avoid Jared hearing him. Jared scrunched his eyebrows.

“Hansen? What? What did you-? Ugh nevermind! Let’s go.” Jared grabbed Evan’s wrist gently and pulled him the rest of the way to the school. Evan’s mind full of only one thing. Connor Murphy has blue gray eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please give me feedback, I love to hear your guys' ideas and thoughts. I'll do my best to keep the chapter's looking good but if it's confusing, let me know and I'll fix it immediately. Thanks! Love you All.


	4. Green Like Willow Trees

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The real chapter ;)

(Connor)

            The building was long, full of windows, and absolutely puke gray in color. The landscaping at the front of the school was at a bare minimum, with grass and a flagpole, and one large maple tree off to one side. Sidewalks littered almost every corner of this hellhole. A group of cheerleader girls with their football star boyfriends were tittering and giggling off to one side, while hundreds of students just meandered between sidewalks and grassy areas. Soon enough the boys noticed me and started whispering to their friends. One with broad shoulders and a fat face hit his friend in the shoulder laughing before flouncing up to me.

“Hiya Connie, oops, I meant Connor. Sorry, you’re so girly, I forgot you weren’t one.” His tone was vicious as were the intent behind his muddy colored eyes but his words were pathetic. I raised a sharply defined eyebrow at him.

“Is that really the best you can do?” I spoke slowly, my tone monotonal and bored. His face grew red as anger seethed and steam came out of his ears. He took a step, his hideously large nose mere inches from mine, his breath ghastly.

“You’re a fucking freak!” He shoved me hard, into a small soft body behind me. I heard a squeak as I collided with the small person. I stumbled as my long limbs hit flesh, but I heard the smack as the person hit the concrete of the sidewalk. I flipped off the large jock who was already walking back to his friends and turned to who I had stumbled into. There on the ground was a small blonde boy in a blue striped polo shirt and khakis. He was groaning and rubbing his head. Immediately feeling bad, I looked around then back to the boy.

“Hey, um, you alright shorty?” At my words, he glanced up and I looked into the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen. Light blue with dark blue circling the outside of starry iris’, sparkled up out of a pale, chubby cheeked, freckled face. As soon as his eyes reached mine a red blush dusted the tops of his cheeks and skin all the way up to the tips of his ears.

“Um-um y-yeah, I-I, um it was...my um it was my fau-fault.” He stuttered out as if getting nervous just being around me. His eyes were locked on mine, blush deepening, I felt myself getting angry at his obvious fear of me. I snatched out my hand and latched roughly onto his slightly toned bicep. Yanking him up and into my face, I growled as he squeaked like a literal mouse and he turned redder.

“Then get out of the way!” I practically screeched at him. At my tone, he flinched and shrunk his shoulders. _Great, now you just yelled at a random kid. Good fucking job Connor._ I pushed him away from me harshly by the soft flesh of his arm and walked away stiffly. I heard running footsteps and fucking Jared Kleinman’s voice as he yell/talked to the boy I just shoved for no reason.

“Oh my god! Hansen are you okay?! Did Connor fucking Murphy just shove you twice?” I growled, anger building in my stomach. _Connor Fucking Murphy? Is that who I am now?_ I felt my hands clench at my sides and my feet stomping against the concrete harder as I pumped my legs. Snarling at everyone who looked at me, I couldn’t understand why I was so angry. Opening the door, I knew, this is going to be the worst day of my life. Heading down gray painted halls with cream colored tiled floors to my horrendously beat up locker, I began to feel trapped by all the bodies crowding the cramped halls. I spun the dial, opening up my locker and throwing my torn gray backpack in. Shoving my still clenched fists in my pockets, I stormed off to the back of the school where I knew no one would look for me.

Rushing past the crowds of people navigating the hall and the clusters of friends pressed to different sides, I felt relief and peace as I slammed open the back door of the school. My eyes were immediately graced with the sight of the soccer fields and flower meadows on one side and the great expanse of the small natural forest on the other. Turning to the soccer fields, I felt my body moving. My legs had memorized the safest route to my haven, one of the only good parts in the world, I could retreat to. The old willow tree was at the furthest end of the middle flower meadow and separated the school, the forest, and an old closed down orchid that expanded on for miles. The orchid was my usual safe place, but since this half was fenced off years ago, there’s no getting in or out. So, on a particularly arduous day, I had stopped at this willow and saw that no one could possibly catch me here.

Closed off from the world, I felt truly at peace. It made me feel as if, maybe, nothing was wrong with me and, maybe, everything was okay. I slid my hand past the long vines of leaves and entered into the serene ambience that was underneath the old willow tree. The warm sunlight slipped into the spaces between the leaves, leaving the space sparkling with a gentle green hue. I had always associated green with the peace I feel in nature, but I had only been to two places that actually embodied the feeling. The old orchid and this crumbling sturdy willow.

 Laying back against the bark of the sturdy tree, I found myself thinking of the soft, gentle boy I had bumped into this morning. _Hansen. Jared had called him Hansen. Is that his first name? Last? Why am I thinking about a boy I only saw for a second? His hair is as golden as the rays of the sun. How did he get his skin to feel so addictively soft? Why had he blushed so hard just from seeing me?_ I quickly shook off the hopeful feeling blossoming in my stomach. Closing my eyes, I tried to steady my breathing. _If I keep thinking about him, I’ll never catch up on my sleep._ I counted my breathing and tried to focus on the feeling of my body touching the things around me. I felt the prickles of the grass against my legs, the scratchy bark of the willow pressing into the skin of my back, the warmth of the sun shining on my torso. I felt my body slowly drifting off as one thought entered my mind. His eyes are as blue as the sky and make me feel green, like willow trees.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks guys! I got it up but it's a little short, so I'll write a longer one tomorrow! Thanks for the support. Love you all!


	5. Sleeping Beauty Is In No Way A Princess

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I didn't post it yesterday, I fell asleep and when I woke up it was Tuesday. Anyways, if the chapter is confusing let me know.

(Evan)

            My heartrate was racing in my throat and my vision focusing in and out. The halls had always made my anxiety race, but after the incident with Connor, it was almost enough to push me into a panic attack. My senses were on an overload, I could feel the heat off every person that passed me and I couldn’t slow my breath. I suddenly felt a too heavy hand on my shoulder.

“Evan, can we stop by my locker first I gotta get something.” Jared spoke pleasantly and moved his hand that wasn’t on my shoulder in vague gestures, as if he hadn’t even noticed my emotional state. I simply nodded.

“Yeah, um uh sure I- a guess?” I stammered out playing with the end of my shirt, trying hard to only focus on one thing.

“Great.” Jared grabbed my arm and pulled, leading us to his locker in a less crowded hall near the back of the school. With the less amount of people surrounding me, I felt my heartrate and breathing slow. Jared stomped over to his locker opening it harshly. He reached in, grabbing a small mechanical pencil. I scrunched my eyebrows in confusion.

“D-did um, did you only, well, need uh um pencil?” Jared turned quickly to face me, causing me to stumble back a step.

“Yes. Do you have a problem?” Jared questioned as he slammed his locker shut, starting to walk away. I quickly sped up to catch up with him.

“N-no of course not I mean why would I have a problem with the fact that you needed to come all the way to your locker to get a pencil I mean I usually keep mine in my backpack but you probably do your own thing and it’s none of my business so I’m sorry.” I took a deep breath after that anxious rant and I glanced up. Jared just stared at me incredulously.

“Seriously, Evan?” He questioned, one eyebrow raised, his arms crossed loosely across his chest. His grey shirt and red flannel over crinkled where his arms pressed against them. His brown hair dangled over his glasses and he shifted his weight from leg to leg, causing the denim to make slight scratchy noises. He snapped his fingers in front of my face.

“Evan. Eye contact, you know I hate it when you look at your feet when you talk to me.” Jared complained while trying to capture my eyes in his. I nodded glancing at his green-brown eyes, red rimmed from lack of sleep. Jared groaned.

“Ugh! Let’s just go to class.” He grabbed my arm and pulled me toward the classroom at the end of the hall. Opening the door quietly, he dragged me in and toward the middle of the noisy classroom. He flopped down in a desk on the last row by the window, motioning me to sit behind him. I carefully settled down into the small red seat and looked out the window. I heard the different people chatting noisily in all different places of the room and Jared typing furiously on his phone. I tuned them all out, leaning on my hand, staring out into the flower meadows. They were hidden in most classrooms of the school, only two allowed a good view of them and the willow tree beyond them. The sky looked so blue and I couldn’t help but crave to go outside. I saw a dark figure sauntering slowly toward the tree. Recognizing the figure immediately as Connor Murphy, I felt my back straighten, pulling my cheek off of my smooth palm. I felt my face heat up slightly. _He touched me this morning. He asked me if I was okay, he looked at me like I was something special._ I felt my heartrate increase as heat began to pool in my chest and limbs, my fingers tingling.

“Earth to Evan,” Jared spoke suddenly, placing a hand on my shoulder, drawing me out of my dizzying thoughts, “You need to get your own ride home because I need to do some stuff.” Jared said absently as he ran a large hand through his styled hair. I nodded slowly.

“Ah, um, uh okay...” I stammered out feeling my throat closing around the words. He grinned, a large chesire grin.

“Great.” He practically preened, turning back to continue typing on his phone. _Connor._ His face popped into my head, and I practically whipped my head around to look back out the window. Straining to see the willow tree from this far away, I squinted, slight pressure building behind my eyes. Finally, they focused and I saw Connor with his back against the trunk, his legs outstretched in front of him, ankles crossed, arms folded gently against his stomach. His longer hair fell softly, framing the sharp bones of his face, and accentuating his straight nose and the small bump on the end. His jacket delicately framed his lean figure and draped across his broad shoulders, hanging off his limbs like some kind of grand ballgown. Heat began to climb painstakingly up my neck, settling in my cheeks and ears.

I heard the slight drone of the teacher in front of the class, glancing at the clock I knew class had started almost 20 minutes ago, meaning I had been staring at the older Murphy for almost that whole time. I quickly shut my eyes, pressing my eyelids together, trying to shake off the thought of Connor Murphy sleeping so beautifully under that tree. I focused in on the teacher and began to take notes for everything I had missed, it sat on the board in thick black marker like a dye on perfect white. The class went on, I glanced out the window every few minutes, feeling the need to make sure that Connor slept undisturbed under the peaceful willow. When the bell sounded, I jumped, staring at the sleeping figure had kept me from noticing class ended. Packing up, I saw Jared’s figure in front of me. Looking up at him, I saw he was staring out the very window I had been focusing on all class. Jared smirked.

“I was wondering what you were so distracted by.” My face burned. Jared’s smirk widened.

“J-jared! I-it’s, um, I- I, L-Let’s just go!” I practically shouted, throwing my backpack on my back and forcing Jared from the window. Shoving our way through the wall, we made it to our next class, Science, the only one Connor would show up to besides art. People filled in and soon enough the teacher stood to start. Suddenly the door was slammed open. In walked a sleepy, gorgeous Connor Murphy running a hand through his hair.

“Nice of you to join us.”  The teacher spat out angrily. The other teachers had no doubt warned him about the angry, ditching inclined, hurricane that was Connor Murphy. Jared snickered from the seat behind me.

“Well if it isn’t Sleeping Beauty. Come to join the land of the living?” He called out to Connor cruelly. My eyes snapped to Jared, widening in surprise and fear. _Why would he say that? Why is Jared so mean to Connor?_ My thoughts were interrupted by a legitimate growl coming forth from the chapped pink lips of none other than Connor Murphy. My face burned red and I felt heat pool in my stomach. _Wow, that’s hot._ As if hearing me, Connor met my eyes and started walking toward the empty seat in front of me. Immediately embarrassed by my thoughts I hid my head in my arms on the desk in front of me. I heard Connor’s long limbs settle into the seat in front of me. I felt my face blushing as he leaned back, his shoulders practically covering half my desk. Leaning back, I breathed in, smelling the smells that are Connor Murphy.

The peppermint of pine trees was the first thing to invade my nasal cavity, followed closely by the sharp scent of weed and the warmth of sunshine. Feeling my face screw up in pleasure over the smells, I hid my face in my arms. The teacher groaned on about the class and what to expect but all I could focus on was the small anxious shifting of the boy in front of me.

My body was on high alert and when a finger poked into my stiff back, I let out a high-pitched squeak under my breath. Whipping around to Jared, I saw him laughing into his hand, then suddenly stop, straightening up. Immediately scared we got in trouble I turned quickly, only to come face to face with the angelic eyes of Connor Murphy. He stared angrily at Jared, then he moved his eyes to me. My shoulders stiffened. His blue eyes scanned over every inch of my face then down my neck and torso. I swallowed, stress building in my larynx and diaphragm. My hands started shaking when he brought his eyes back to mine. I could’ve sworn they softened just a bit as he was turning around. I shook the thought out of my head. _He hates you, they all do. Did you see how he looked at you? He obviously thinks you’re ugly and disgusting._ I felt pressure build behind my eyes. _Please, just wait until you get home to cry._ I swallowed a small sob from my throat. Soon class ended and Connor jumped up, beelining it to the door. _See, he couldn’t wait to get away from you._ I ran out, ignoring calls from Jared.

The rest of the day passed agonizingly slow. Standing on the sidewalk outside of the school while Jared complained, I felt numb. Finally, he said goodbye and ran off to his car. Remembering his words from earlier, I set off to walk home. _Walking burns calories, it’ll make you look less fat._ I cringed at the familiar thoughts in my head. I glanced up, and there in the middle of the sidewalk someone else’s arm around his waist, was Connor Murphy. He held a bored look on his face while the burly boy draped himself onto him. Connor rolled his eyes and pushed the boy away gently. A pain seized my heart and I felt myself breaking. Connor glanced around, making eye contact with me while the burly boy laughed heartily. I quickly looked away, but Connor had spotted me. He stormed over, grabbing the collar of my shirt. His eyes full of anger and snarling.

“You didn’t see anything! Got it freak?” He shouted at me. I felt the pressure of hot tears behind my eyes. I nodded stiffly as he flung me away from him. He wiped his hand off on his shirt. _He’s disgusted to even touch me._ ‘Freak’, his voice echoed in my head as I walked as fast as I could away from him. As I reached the street, I broke into a run. Wind ripped past my body, scratching my cheeks and clinging onto my clothes. Hot tears ran down my cold face and sobs wracked my throat and chest. My house came into my blurry vision, and I practically tripped up the porch steps, slamming into the front door. I threw myself inside, slamming the heavy door closed behind me. Slipping off my backpack, I went upstairs and went into the bathroom. Sitting in the corner with the door closed, I began to think.

  _Would it be better if I never existed?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll try to post another today but no promises Love you all!


	6. Running Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's back with another chapter????

(Connor)

Waking up in a start to the school bell was not a pleasant experience. I was floating in the serene darkness that was blissful, dreamless sleep, when suddenly my heartrate jumped and I was shooting forward off the trunk of the tree, my legs bending and coming to my chest. My eyes wildly searched the area around me, panic filling my lungs my heart beat thudded in my ears. Finally realizing where I was, I sighed, pulling my knees to my chest, I tried to steady my breathing. Pulling out my phone, I checked the time. 9:07am. _First period just ended then... I should at least go to science. It is one of the only subjects I’m good at._ Standing, I found the air chillier than what I had fallen asleep to. Wind rippled around my body as I walked back into the school building. Traipsing through the hallways, I heard the bell for the start of second period echo through the now empty halls. Facing the closed light brown door of the science classroom, I felt anxiety bubble in my stomach. I opened the door, shutting it loudly behind me.

“Nice of you to join us.” I heard the angry teacher speak staring at me with the rest of the class.

“Well if it isn’t Sleeping Beauty. Come to join the land of the living?” Jared’s nasally voice sounded from the back of the classroom. I growled. _Who the hell is he calling sleeping beauty. Prick._ I scanned for an empty seat and saw one in front of the boy I had pushed this morning. His cheeks flared red and he stuffed his face in his arms on his desk. _Wow great, he’s scared of me now._ I sauntered over to the desk and settled heftily in the chair. Leaning backwards I started to listen to the teacher explain what this class will be about. Feeling bored, I began to fidget. _When does this class end?_

Suddenly, I heard a small high-pitched squeak from behind me. _That was fucking adorable_. I turned around to look at the boy behind me who was staring at Jared Kleinman with an adorable blushy face. Kleinman had his face in his hand as he laughed at the boy behind me. _Hansen. Kleinman had called him Hansen._ My brain supplied for me his name and as Hansen’s ears began to turn red, I felt a surge of an unknown feeling settle in my gut. I sneered at Kleinman and he immediately straightened up, looking panicked.

Hansen turned slowly, blue starry eyes meeting mine. His light blush turned from a light pink to a deep scarlet. I found myself examining the way the blush delicately filled his face starting at the rose of his cheeks and decorating bridge of his nose, his freckles shining brightly, then spreading and lightening in color across his forehead and jaw, then sparkling down his thin neck, showing off his Adam’s apple and sharp collarbones. I glanced back up at his eyes. He took a deep breath, his eyes showing off emotions I hadn’t seen in years. _Is he looking at me in adoration or anxiety?_ Not being able to stomach the thought, I turned back around. The class dragged on, even with the small labored breaths from Hansen. As soon as the bell rang, I practically jumped out of my seat. Sitting for long periods of time was never my thing and it was always really hard for me to focus without moving around.

Going outside to lay on the soft grass of the flower meadows for the rest of the day, I felt stressed and began to wonder if this school year would be any different than this summer. Just before the last bell rang, I began to head to the front of the school. When I got there, I was greeted by my usual drug dealer. Devin Benson was a big jock with a whole lot of daddy issues. As long as I paid him big bucks, he got the really good stuff from his druggie momma’s stash. All I had to do was pay and enjoy the products. I immediately tried to avoid him, but the bell ringing made him turn towards the school and spot me. His fat face irrupted in a huge grin.

“Connie! Baby how are ya?” His deep baritone voice echoed across the sidewalk as his large body bounded to me in a few steps, blocking my path. I narrowed my eyes. _Do I really have to deal with this today?_

“I’m fine Devin.” I growled out under my breath. Devin wound his beefy hand around my hips, pulling me flat against his large muscular body. His face drew close to my face, breathing in my air, nuzzling his nose against my jaw.

“Aren’t ya gonna ask me how I am, Connie?” He said pressing his lips to the area beneath my ear. Shuddering in disgust, I pushed him away.

“No, Devin. I won’t because I don’t give a shit.” He laughed heartily at my angry tone. Glancing around to see if anyone saw the exchange, my eyes met with the beautiful blue of Hansen. Panic clutched my heart. He quickly averted his gaze and I got angry. _He can’t stand to make contact with a fucking fag huh?_ I stormed over to him, grabbing his soft polo collar in my fist, my knuckles dragging across his addictive skin, I pulled him to my face. He smelled like heaven. Peppermint, ocean, and trees practically flowed off of him in waves. The scent itself was almost enough to make me just bury my face in his shoulder just to keep smelling. Getting angrier at the impulse, I screamed into his face.

“You didn’t see anything! Got it freak?” He tensed, his eyes somehow getting bigger as they became bloodshot and tears welled up in his eyes. _What have I done? I need to filter my words damn it!_ I shoved him away from me, wiping my hand on my shirt. _Why can I still feel his warm skin?_ Hansen shoved past me with his eyes focused downward and he almost sprinted away. I felt Devin’s hand wrapping around my waist again.

“Who was that Baby?” His lips pressed to the shell of my ear. I shoved him away roughly.

“Get the fuck away from me, Benson!” I screamed, practically running away to Zoe’s car. Pulling on the handle, I noticed the guitar in the backseat missing. _Shit! Of course, she has jazz band!_ I swore under my breath, and began to run down the sidewalk. _I need to be home right now._ Running, my heart slammed against my ribcage, my breath coming out in hard pants. The air chilled around me, and clung to my clothes, ripping my hair in front of my face. My feet hit the concrete hard, creating great thundering sounds as I sprinted down the street. The giant white colored house came into view at the end of the block. Sprinting harder, I felt my legs begin to numb. Collapsing on the perfectly manicured lawn, my chest rose and fell dramatically. Stumbling up the perfectly clean and sturdy porch steps, I opened the door quietly. Cynthia should be home, but Larry wouldn’t be home until dinner. Trying to sneak quietly upstairs, I tiptoed through the living room. On the fourth step, the floor creaked.

“Honey? You home?” Cynthia’s voice carried questioningly through the house, followed by the quiet clicking of her heels against the hardwood. I scrambled up the rest of the stairs, diving into my room, slamming the door behind me. I heard the gentle knocking on my door.

“Connor?” She asked, her voice holding worry and care. I flopped on my bed. Reaching to turn on my music, I answered her.

“Yeah, mom I’m here.” I called and she sighed out of relief.

“You hungry?” She questioned, knocking again. I groaned, throwing my arms over my head as my music started to blast through my speakers.

“No mom.” I shouted over my music. I didn’t hear her walk away, but I knew she was gone. Punk rock blared through my eardrums, but even that couldn’t save me from thinking about starry blue eyes and a delicate red blush over carefully laid out freckles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Post more tomorrow or Thursday can't decide which. Love you all! Thanks for the support!


	7. The Monster Isn’t Under My Bed, It’s In My Sheets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> VERY IMPORTANT: TRIGGERS, NONCON ELEMENTS Skip over if you get triggered by suicide or rape.  
> Sorry the chapter's late. I had a new idea. Enjoy!

(Evan)

            Months had gone by. Connor had stopped coming to school. At first, I thought that maybe, just maybe, I could pretend that I wasn’t in love with him. I thought that I could pretend I wasn’t watching his every move. Jared had been disappearing for weeks on end. I only saw him in passing a few times, each time he was with jocks that didn’t care about anyone but themselves. I tried calling, texting, everything, I even wrote him a letter. He ignored them all. I had accepted our “family-friendship” was over.

Every day, I wrote therapy letters to Connor. Telling him everything I noticed, and how I wished I could just speak to him. I told him everything I thought about when I couldn’t sleep, and everything I wished I could tell my mom or even Dr. Sherman. I told Connor how much he meant to me. I told him how Jared thought I was into Zoe, and how it wasn’t fair how the people spread rumors behind his back. I told him how I thought maybe we could help each other and maybe not be as alone as we feel. I told him how I felt that I was trapped behind a window, always waving, but no one could see me. I asked if he felt he was misunderstood. I asked why he always napped under the old willow instead of going to his morning classes. I always ended them the same way, Sincerely, the boy who’s in love with you, Me- Evan Hansen.

Laying in my bed, staring at the ceiling was its own kind of torture. With the silence came the thinking. I kept running over every one of my mistakes, constantly thinking what I could’ve done differently or maybe if I was breathing too loudly and bothering the people around me. I laid, trapped in my mind for hours. Sleep came sparingly, and before I knew it, it was time to go to school.

I moved sluggishly, my body showing that I was not motivated to go to the hellhole called school. I never noticed how much I relied on Jared until he was gone. With no one to remedy the pain of the school day, I found myself turning inward more and more each day. Settling on the cold concrete below the bleachers for lunch.

Pulling out a water bottle, I stared at the school in across the field. Thoughts began to invade my mind, an everyday occurrence I wasn’t sure was really necessary. _Why am I even here? Is there any purpose in me being alive? Would anyone miss me if I just disappeared today?_ Sadness sunk in my limbs, my body growing heavy. Feeling pressure building behind my head, I closed my eyes, shielding my retinas from the light.

Suddenly I heard voices echoing over the top of the bleachers above me. Panic began to fill my stomach. My breath began to come out in pants as my heart rate raced. Trying to be as quiet as possible, I gathered my things, as was about to walk away when I heard it.

“Hansen!” My heartrate jumped and I started to run. Grass and mud gave way to the stomping of my feet on the ground. Suddenly I was tackled from behind, my backpack flew a few feet away. I felt hands settle on my arms and lower back, as the person sat on the back of my thighs.

“Thought you could get away, didn’t you?” He asked breathing harshly in my ear. He bit my earlobe roughly. I cringed away in disgust.

“My, my, you caught a little mouse.” A second voice sounded from behind me. _What is going on?!_   Two more hands pressed onto my arms, running fat, calloused fingers over my skin.

“And doesn’t he look delicious.” Another voice spoke viciously as grimy hands covered my eyes and mouth. I tried to scream. I bit and kicked. _Is the entire football team here?!_ My heart hammered and I started crying. _What’s going to happen to me?_ I felt more hands join the ones already on my body. I heard rough breathing in my ear, as multiple mouths began to kiss, lick, and bite at my neck and arms. I struggled harder, trying to do anything just to get away. I felt hands start to pull at my pants. Screaming louder into the hand over my mouth, floundering my body about to get the hands off. I suddenly heard a vicious whisper in my ear, as teeth licked and bit at the shell of my ear.

“Just try to relax, mouse. It’ll go by faster.” Suddenly they were all laughing, and pulling up my shirt and ripping off my kakis and boxers. One knelt between my legs and forced my knees apart, lifting up my waist. I screamed as the first one slammed his way in.

About halfway through the fourth, I blacked out. When I woke up, I was thrown under the bleachers with bruises, bites, and scratches all over my body. Soreness overtook my body as I jumped up. I fixed my clothes and felt hot tears stream down my face. I clutched my torso tightly. _You’re okay. You’re okay. Don’t think about it. You’re okay._ I completed the mantra in my head over and over as I hobbled home. _Why me? Why did this happen to me?_ I limped into the living room, leaning heavily on the wall as I made my way upstairs into the bathroom. _I don’t deserve to be alive. No one would miss me. I couldn’t even defend myself. This was my fault. I’m disgusting._

I clutched the razors and the bottle of pills in my bruised and cut hands. Setting the razors on the counter, I popped off the lid and poured half the bottle in my hand. _Don’t be a chicken. You deserve to die. Disgusting. Pitiful. Ugly. Whore. Disgusting. Pitiful. Ugly. Whore._ The words repeated in my head as I downed pill after pill. After I had gone through all the pills in my hand, my head began to feel light and I began to get dizzy, but I knew pills weren’t enough. I took the razors from the counter and cut deep vertical lines from my wrist to the pit of my elbow. Watching the blood draining from both of my arms as my mind swam in consciousness, I fell to the floor. Finally, my eyes fell closed and darkness crept in. _I love you, Connor._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks everybody! I'm travelling so I'll post as much as possible. Love you all.


	8. Depression Is A Two Way Street

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long. But I'm done travelling so I'll be able to post much more now. Enjoy!

(Narrator)

December, four months after the start of school. Connor had stopped going to school in the middle of September. His mother had been so disappointed, she came to his room every morning just to ask if he'd ever come out. Her and Larry fought daily. Connor could only sit in his room, not even having the motivation to try and help. Near the end of the month, Connor had had enough. He had been sneaking out of his house every day for two weeks to avoid going to school, and Larry had started noticing. His parents fighting went from daily to almost hourly. Zoe had blocked everything out, choosing instead to ignore all existence of problems and hide in her room, with her music blasting and shaking the walls.

The school called often, trying to understand why Connor, “the self-important little shit” as he was called by the principal, was missing class. Usually Cynthia could talk off the unexcused absences, until the twenty-fifth of December when Larry had come home from work early. Larry had intercepted the call from the school and when Connor came home, all he heard was screaming and things shattering. Connor had locked his door and tried to block out the sound of Larry trying to break it down. The only thing Connor heard for hours was Larry’s voice screaming.

 “You’ll have hell to pay boy! You’ll have hell to pay!” Connor had decided that it was time to go back to school.

It was Friday morning, Connor was dressed and ready to go to school, if just to get out of his house. He had even done all of his makeup work. Leaving his room, Connor avoided the kitchen all together, opting instead for going straight through the living room and out the front door. Waking early had its benefits, such as walking so he didn’t have to suffer through another family breakfast or through Zoe’s scolding on the way to school. Hoisting his messenger bag higher on his bony shoulder, Connor took a deep breath of the crisp morning air.

The freezing chill already settling into his bones, he felt his thin fingers get thinner and grow numb from the cold. Trees that littered the street were bare boned and shivering with the small breeze caressing the branches and Connors long limbs. His legs moved on their own, muscle memory kicking in, his mind blanking as he focused on only the feeling of the air around his body. Suddenly, he was pulling open the door to school and blinked surprised. _I’m here already? I didn’t realize I was walking so quickly..._ He thought, surprised at his own speed. Feeling better than usual, Connor walked to his locker and slipped out his books that he couldn't be bothered to take home. Connor breathed slowly, his emotions more numb than angry.

“Hey, watch it freak!” Connor was shoved face first into his locker, his arms barely lashing out to catch himself. He turned to glare at the group of boys surrounding him.

 “I thought you would’ve learned your lesson not to come back here, faggot.” Connor rolled his eyes at the pathetic insult. _My mother could do better._ He thought to himself as he closed his locker. He turned back to the boys.

“Is that the best you can do? Because if so, I’m gonna head to class.” He smirked at his own bored retort. The boys growled.

“Fine, go to class, we’ll see you later, freak.” The leader of the pack said, narrowing his eyes and motioning to Connor to watch his back. Connor chuckled under his breath in amusement. Heading out to the willow tree, Connor felt his mind wander, he was so calm today, he couldn’t figure out why. It was like he’s never been angry in his life. He was so comfortably detached. He sat down for his usual morning nap, but found he couldn’t keep his eyes closed. Connor was shocked. _I’m wide awake? This never happens..._ Connor, and his new-found focus, decided to busy themselves the only way Connor knew. Drawing.

His sketchbook’s rough material scratched at his hands as he dragged his pencil across the paper, creating intricate and looping designs. He drew a gentle ballerina with long graceful movements, Zoe’s pale guitar- mid vibration from her dedicated strumming, and eyes, eyes that Connor had really only gotten the chance to look at twice. They haunted his every waking minute with the peaceful blue that has slowly been taking over his life. Every time Connor closed his eyes, they were there, filled with the emotion Connor can’t place, but seems so familiar- almost like he saw it in a dream. He stared at the eyes drawn perfectly on the paper. They held angles and rough edges with curves at every turn and Connor instantly felt the urge to find the owner of those captivating eyes, just for one more look. He took a deep breath, feeling the air ground him as it entered his lungs.

“Connor Murphy to the principal’s office, Connor Murphy to the principal’s office.” Connor glanced up at the sound of the distant intercom from the school a little way off. Scrunching his eyebrows in confusion, Connor stood sturdily and made his way across the field. Connor’s thoughts ran slow laps in his head as he tried to take slow calming breaths. Even though he still didn’t feel angry in the slightest, the deep breaths had become a habit that presented itself often. He trudged through the gray halls, his feet tapping quietly on the wax tiled floors. Stepping into the quiet office, Connor saw the principal waiting outside her door in all her brown pinstriped pencil skirt glory.

As soon as the principal saw him, her eyes filled with pity. Connor frowned in confusion. He walked up to her and shook her outstretched hand. She gripped his elbow with a gentle assuredness.

“I know this must be such a hard time for you, and I’m so sorry, but you didn’t just loose a friend, she lost a son. Try to be understanding.” Connor listened to her in shocked confusion. _What friend? She lost a son? Who’s she? How does her losing a son pertain to me?_ The principal rubbed her white button up shirt sleeve and opened the door behind her. Ushering him in, Connor’s eyes focused on a small blonde woman in teal scrubs holding a piece of folded lined paper. She turned and smiled a weak smile to him. Connor stared at the makeup smeared under her bottom lashes, and the bags under her familiar looking blue eyes. Connor immediately placed the eyes as Hansen’s startling blue ones, but the woman’s eyes seemed older, sadder, like she had the world on her shoulders. _This must be his mom._ The woman got up from her seat and placed a wiry delicate hand on his shoulder. Her smile stretched wide and Connor was shocked at her genuine joy to see him. Something that Connor had not seen in many years.

“You must be Connor. It’s such a pleasure to finally meet you. I’m Evan’s mom, Heidi. Though I guess you might already know that.” Her voice was pleasant and sweet like a candied apple or a sugar cookie. But Connor could only focus on one thing. _Evan, his name is Evan. Evan Hansen. Evan Hansen. Evan Hansen._ Connor repeated the name over and over as small images of the bright-eyed boy flashed in his head. _I swear I’ve heard the name somewhere before..._ He focused back in on Evan’s mom as she motioned for him to take the red cushioned seat next to her. He sat, gently distributing his weight mostly on his calves and thighs as he placed his feet on the ground.

“Yes, Mrs. Hansen. Um... what- uh- brings you to see me today?” Connor questioned delicately. Her eyes widened as she brought small fingers to cover her mouth. She gasped and her eyes filled with tears.

“You don’t know?” She said, her voice shaky and watery as tears spilled from the corners of her eyes. She sniffled, turning her head to her lap and bringing her hand down from her face.

“Evan... uh.... Sweetie, Evan took his own life.” Connor felt shock seep into his bones. _Why is she telling me this?_ She looked to her lap, shuffling the paper in her hands, until finally handing it over to him.

“He... um... well these are his last words. He wanted you to have this.” Connor scrunched his eyebrows as he delicately took the paper. Opening the warn folded edges of the paper, Connor noticed it was a letter. A letter to him. He looked up at her, confusion in his eyes.

“This is addressed to me?” Connor spoke like his words confused him and he fiddled his fingers across the neat handwriting, smudged erase marks, and scratched out words that made up the letter. She only nodded and motioned toward the letter.

“I think, he just wanted to explain why he did what he did. And you two were obviously so close, I didn’t know who else to go to.” Connor’s face held confusion, pain, and worry etched in the lines of his boyish face. He looked down and began to read the letter in his rough, calloused hands.

“Dear Connor Murphy, Turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because why would it be? I know, because there’s you, and all my hope is pinned on you, who I don’t even know, and doesn’t know me. Maybe if I could just talk to you. Maybe nothing would be different at all. I wish everything was different. I wish I was part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone. I mean face it, would anyone notice if I just disappeared tomorrow? Sincerely, the boy who’s in love with you, Me.” Connor mumbled out the letter under his breath and felt tears prick his eyes. _He loved me?_ Heidi touched his forearm in comfort. Connor looked up confused and hurt.

“What does he mean?” Connor asked gently, trying to figure out why Evan would write such heartfelt things to him of all people. Heidi frowned.

“Do you mean when he says he doesn’t know you and wishes he could talk to you? I don’t know. I thought maybe you guys had a fight and just weren’t talking. And maybe you didn’t know about his anxiety, because I know how boys are, and you don’t share personal feelings often, even if you are dating.” Heidi finished her gentle explanation and Connor felt his soul leave his body.

“Dating?” Connor squeaked out. Heidi looked at him surprised.

“Of course! He said “the boy who’s in love with you” I assumed that meant you were dating,” Her face suddenly took on a realization, “Unless, oh no. He didn’t tell you, did he?” Connor shook his head in slow disagreement. Thoughts raced through his head and Connor started to feel a migraine coming on.

“No-uh- he never said anything.” Connor said, picking his words carefully, avoiding Heidi’s eyes. She reached out and grabbed his hand.

“Oh honey, he obviously cared for you very much, and well, um, Connor, if you ever need...” Her voice was cut off by a shrill beeping from the pager strapped to the waist of her scrubs. She released her tight hold on his hand and glanced at the pager. “Oh, I’m sorry. I need to go back to the hospital.” Heidi stood and made her way to the door, Connor standing up to follow her. She turned back to face him. “If you ever need anything, my home is welcome to you. I’m going to go through Evan’s stuff later this month and see if he had anything that belonged to you. You’re welcome to come help.” Her eyes were sad and hurt as if just saying his name hurt her. Connor felt his mouth moving before he could stop it.

“You don’t have to do that. I can, um, come by and do it, so you don’t have to.” Heidi smiled a small smile, her head tilting.

“You sure honey?” She questioned, her candy like voice filled with relief. Connor nodded quickly. She smiled.

“Come over for dinner sometime, Connor. I’d like to get to know the boy my son loved so dearly. I'll leave our address with the principal.” With that she turned and fled the building like it had caught on fire and Connor was left there holding the letter and a whole lot of hurt confusion. Connor looked around the office and could only say one thing.

“What the hell?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the support guys! Especially the comments and kudos, they make my day! The next update will be up Wednesday night! Love you all! Till next time!


	9. Little Mouse Was A Good Lay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Muwahhahaha I told you it'd be tonight, but I didn't say how long it was! ;P Anywho, here you go! Enjoy!

(Connor)

            I stood in confusion for what felt like hours. The principal had come in and told me to get out, but all I could do was stand and stare at the door. _What the fuck is going on? Evan Hansen killed himself? And he loved me? He wrote his suicide letter to me?! What kind of fucked up shit is that?_ The principal’s heels sunk into the carpet as she walked over to me.

“Did you hear me, Connor?” Her tone gentle and worried as she placed a strong hand on my shoulder, “You need to go to class.” I shook her hand off and took a deep breath.

“Yeah, okay.” I mumbled as I slipped out of her office and made my way down the hall. The bell had rung, and teenagers were squished in every corner of the hallways. Their ear shattering voices faded out as my thoughts were only focused on one thing. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think straight. _What’s going on? He loved me? Why? Who is he really? I don’t even know him..._ I glanced at the letter pressed in my hands. Suddenly I heard laughing from down the hall.

“He seriously killed himself?!” The captain of the football team was laughing loudly and boisterously.

“Such a shame too. Little mouse was such a good lay! Just lay there screaming. Barely even wiggled, at least, it didn’t do nothin! Right boys?” The linebacker screeched shameful words and I felt the familiar feeling of anger rise up with the bile in my throat. _They better not be talking about who I think they are._ I threatened them in my head, remembering Evan’s sad letter. _Rape is bad enough as it is, but to do that to someone as afraid and stuttery as poor Evan Hansen, that’s a cruelty that will not stand._ I felt my face heat in anger as Jared Kleinman approached the boys.

“You guys didn’t hurt Evan, did you?” Kleinman asked worriedly, staring up at the tall boys, wringing his hands together. The football regulars laughed heartedly.

“Oh, come on, Kleinman! He was just adorable the way he tried to run and the way he screamed for help. He even felt like a girl.” The quarterback jeered, leaning into Kleinman’s horrified face.

“Best lay I’ve ever had. And I’ve had everyone.” The left tackle’s voice boomed in the hallway, as he clapped a hand on Jared’s shoulder. Jared’s eyes filled with tears and disgust. My body started to shake in rage at what I was hearing. I stomped quickly over to them, and without a word, I fucking decked the quarterback of the damn football team. Rage turning my vision red, I growled.

“Come on snakes, let’s rattle.” I began to punch, kick, bite, headbutt, elbow, anything just to vent my anger at them. My thoughts screamed at me. _Evan didn’t deserve that shit! How dare you defile someone so innocent! How dare you joke like it isn’t a big deal! How dare you! I’ll kill you. I’ll kill you! I’ll kill you! I’LL KILL YOU! I’LL KILL YOU!_

“I’LL KILL YOU ALL!” Suddenly I was pulled away by a burly janitor, I screamed, my voice hoarse and growling.

“LET ME GO! LET ME GO! I’LL KILL THEM! I’LL KILL THEM!” I flailed like a fish out of water in his arms. The principal and the school counselor came running down the hall. Her heels clacking and his shoes tapping against the tile. She screeched at the boys pushed against the lockers by other teachers.

“What the hell is going on here?!” Her head whipped back and forth as her arms flapped wildly. Kleinman jumped forward.

“Connor fucking Murphy just attacked everybody like a psycho freak!” I had stopped flailing once I saw the principal but once Kleinman said that I struggled in the janitor’s arms. My anger dying to just punch the lights out of Jared Kleinman, who wouldn’t even defend his dead friend. The principal snapped her eyes to me, anger and disappointment stewing in her skull.

“Murphy! Expulsion! On violent grounds!” Her voice squeaked as she yelled, her hands balling into fists at her sides. “My office, NOW!” Her words echoed down the hallway as she stomped off toward the office, the counselor scuttling after her. The teachers escorted the boys to the nurses to take care of bleeding bite marks, bruises from my boney disposition, and cuts from my nails. The janitor released me cautiously, patting my shoulder calmingly. Kleinman stood with his eyes unfocused, staring at me while the janitor walked away. He lifted his eyebrows in fear.

“N-now, C-c-connor!” He started to whimper while I took slow calculated steps toward him, my hands in tight fists, nails digging half-moons into my palms. I backed him up until his shoes hit the bottom of the lockers. I lifted my arm and gave him my best right hook to the cheek. He fell, his glasses scattering down the hallway, his hand harshly gripping his face. He looked up at me, tears in his eyes. I sneered down at him in anger.

“You’re a pig, Kleinman. Even worse than them.” I motioned toward the direction the football team had left with a curt nod of my head. I turned on my heel, stomping away to the office, only hearing Kleinman’s sniffles behind me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've already started the next chapter, I'll try to get it up by tomorrow, Friday at the latest. Love you all! Thank you for the support!


	10. Jared Is A Pining Little Shit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long, I was struggling with this one. Here's a short Jared chapter. Enjoy

(Jared)

            I lay on the hard-wax tiled floor watching a smeared image of Connor walk down the hallway after the principal. My face ached in the bones where his knuckles had hit me. I squinted to find my glasses in the blur of colors and shapes around me. My fingers searched across the floor, reaching for a feel on my glasses. I groaned once I found them, and slid them on my nose. _Those guys are just joking. They’d never hurt Hansen like that, right? I mean, he’s small, and sweet, and nervous, and adorable. Wait, adorable? No. I don’t- I can’t- I do not find him adorable. Or cute, or pretty, or- STOP right there._ I sighed, standing to walk out of the school.

“Evan, did you really kill yourself?” I mumbled to myself as the chill bit into my jacket and blue denim jeans. I closed my eyes, my eyelashes pushing against my glasses. Evan’s face shone behind my eyes. His soft sparkling blonde hair, his starry blue eyes, and delicate fair skin, his pink plump lips. I sighed at the very gay thoughts taking over my brain. _Oh, Ev... I’m sorry I left you, you didn’t deserve to be alone. Maybe I could’ve stopped you._ Then my words from years and years of repeating echoed in my brain. ‘We’re FAMILY friends Evan, I’m only hanging out with you for my car insurance.’ I winced at the harshness of the words I used towards Evan. I always tried to pretend I never saw the sadness in his eyes or the disappointment at me claiming us as not friends. His beautiful eyes, filled with so much pain, I couldn’t bear it, so I started looking away. The worst part was his obvious crush on Connor Murphy, the worst person for my poor innocent Evan. Every time that emo stoner fuck came around, Evan’s eyes lit up like the fourth of July and his face flushes like a pink angel. His eyes glaze over and his oh so pink lips pucker in an undeniable kiss that I can’t help but want to just lean in and capture those soft lips of his.

“Ugh, Connor didn’t even know him, how dare he think that he has rights to Evan now.” I growled out shaking my hands in anger. _He was mine, mine, how dare Connor think he can stroll into my life and take my.... friend, my friend. He’s your friend Jared, and you couldn’t even tell him that. Now he’s dead and he killed himself thinking you hated him._ _I’m a piece of shit._ I sighed as I walked home. The tree branches swirling in the winter air. I found myself in front of Evan’s house. His mother’s car wasn’t in the cracked driveway. _She must be at work..._ I walked over to the large oak tree in the front. Expertly finding the notches in the tree, I began to climb until I was sitting on the limb in front of Evan’s window. I pulled on his window. _Locked. That’s just like little nervous Evan._ I pulled harder, snapping off his window lock. I smiled, crawling in through the gap. My feet settled on the squishy carpet of Evan’s room. I looked around, taking in the gentle smell of Evan and books. His room was messy, like it hadn’t been cleaned in a long while. _I don’t want to touch anything. With it like this, it’s like he’s still here..._ I sighed, took in one more deep wiff of his lovely pine scent, and crawled back out the window. Closing the thick window, I frowned.

“I’m sorry you died without knowing how much I loved you, Evan.” I climbed down the tree and began to run to my own home. _I’m sorry, Evan._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll post again tomorrow. I promise it'll be a long one. Love you all~


	11. Shout Out

Before I post tonight's chapter I wanted to do some shout outs to people who are really helping me keep this going. First is my best friend, Miguel, She is always there for me and keeps me going even when I feel like garbage. And also shout out to Queen_akuma, Kit, ammacrellin, Lululablette, Wingedvix21, Kami, and all of you who are still reading, commenting, and leaving Kudos. You all are my inspiration and the drive behind this fic. You are all so incredible and I love you all! Thank you for your support. Be ready for the chapter tonight, I'll try to make it a tear-jerker. <3


	12. Connor's Expulsion Is An Opportunity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Guys! It may not be much of a tear jerker but I'm trying! Enjoy!

(Connor)

            My worn combat boots tapped thickly against the floor, echoing in the now empty hallway. Voices danced softly from classrooms behind thick wooden doors. Anger still pulsed in my veins, heating my body from the inside out, my eyes threatening to spill hot frustrated tears down my flushed face. _How could they? They didn’t, right? They were just being pricks to piss me off. There was no way. Evan would’ve defended himself and got away. Unless... he... couldn’t... No there’s no way!_ The gray of the hallway walls turned into the bland navy of the office. The principal paced in the middle of the office, her heels digging into the faded multicolored carpet, her face steaming in anger. Hearing the glass door open, she turned to me, her face growing angrier.

“Connor Murphy! You can’t start fights in school! I thought you grew out of using violence to vent your anger after middle school! What's gotten into you?!” She screamed, stomping over to get in my face. I leaned back slightly, intimidated by her fury filled small stature. I opened my mouth to answer.

“Don’t you dare speak you little shit! I’ve had enough of your attitude and your blatant disrespect for authority! You are Expelled mister and I’ve called your parents so be prepared for a shit storm!” She began to speak quickly and loudly, spitting with every consonant that passed her furious purple lips. She stomped away from me. Confusion spilling across my features as I shuffled from foot to foot. Tense silence stretched on for a few minutes while she paced back and forth, her hands in fists, clenching and unclenching at her sides.

“Connor!” My parents stormed into the room, Larry’s voice booming furiously. They stormed over to me, their arms flailing as they yelled.

“Connor, you are a disgrace to this family! Why I didn’t talk Cynthia out of not getting the abortion, I’ll never know!” Larry screamed, his fists raising.

“Larry! Don’t speak to our son like that!” My mother yelled trying to defend me.

“Cynthia, stop coddling him! This is why he’s ruining our lives and reputation! Because you let him think he can do whatever he wants!” He shouted, pointing at me like I was some disease. The principal joined in, taking turns yelling at me and then them. I leaned back, taking two steps away from their ear shattering voices. Self-hate filled my head, sinking through my skin and tainting my blood.  _They're right... I'm a disgrace... Disgusting, worthless, piece of shit everyone wishes was dead... Even my parents._  Their sound echoed in my chest and I blocked out their words, focusing instead on the stinging of my nails into my palms and the numb thudding in my stomach. One thought began to resonate past all the hatred stirring in my head.  _Evan. Evan loved me. Evan loved me so I must be worth something. Evan loved me. Evan loved me for some reason and sought me out. Evan cared._  Lost in thought I hadn't noticed the sudden silence pounding in my ears.

“What did you say?” My mother asked gently, all signs of tension leaving her and Larry’s bodies, making them look deflated and defeated. The principal, sighed, relaxing the pent-up pressure look to her shoulders.

“I know Connor just lost his best friend but that’s no excuse to start a violent uprising.” She said cautiously, glancing between my parents and I. My parents looked confused. The principal sighed again, clearly frustrated with their lack of understanding.

“Your son’s best friend killed himself, I admit it’s very devastating, but I will not allow him to act out like this. He’s expelled from school. He may return in two weeks. IF, and only if, his attitude improves and he goes to all his classes! Until then, he is not welcome to return!” She breathed out forcefully, then turning on her heel and stomping into her office, slamming the door. They looked at each other shocked, then glanced to me, sympathy vanishing to anger quickly. Larry stomped over grabbing my bicep roughly, pulling me out the door of the office and down the hallway.

“How could you do this to us, Connor? What will the people at the firm say? What will the neighbors say? I will not have you acting like this!” He spoke harshly over his back to me, dragging me behind him and down the hallway. My feet dragged, my arm stinging and bruising where he pulled. He yanked me around to face him.

“You’re a disappointment, Connor.” He sneered in my face before continuing his rampage down the hallway. I hung my head sideways, back to look at my mother. She had her arms wrapped around her middle, her feet taking small unhurried steps, her face turned down, an expression of sadness burning into her face. I blinked slowly, anger and numbness filling my limbs with cold burning. I ripped my arm out of Larry’s grip, ignoring the pain stinging the skin of my arm. They snapped their heads to look at me from my sudden movement. Larry scowled.

“Connor. Car. Now.” He growled out, his arm extending to point at the entrance of the school a little way from where we stood. My brain floundered for an excuse to not have to go home with them. _Evan’s address!_ I began to run back to the office, calling over my shoulder.

“I forgot something, I’ll walk home.” Larry started shouting after me telling me off, but I tuned him out. I burst into the office, speed walking to the principal’s office. I knocked on the door hurriedly. She opened the door a crack. She glared at me.

“What do you want?! I sent you home!” I rolled my eyes at her angry words, suppressing an annoyed response, and leaning an arm against the door frame.

“Heidi left her address with you for me. Can I have it?” She snarled at my snarky ‘I’m an ass and there’s nothing you can do’ tone. She opened the door more, motioning for me to come in. She traipsed over to her desk, leaning over to type on her computer, butt sticking out behind her, her low button up falling slightly to expose the curve of her breasts. _Wow, that be hot if I wasn’t as gay as a rainbow is colored._ I smirked at my thoughts. She stood up, handing me a yellow sticky note that she had scribbled a messily written address. I looked at it as she walked behind me to the door. _It’s... actually... pretty close to here..._ The principal cleared her throat.

“I have work to do, and you’re expelled. Go home.” She pointed out the door harshly, her hand resting on the clothed curve of her hip. Anger pulsed behind my chest. I stood taller and stomped out, hearing the principal slam the door softer behind me. Feeling an unknown weight settle in my veins, I left the office. _Has Evan walked every day? It’s so close it wouldn’t be a surprise... but it’s freezing outside..._ I strolled nonchalantly down the hallways and out the side door of the school. I pressed my back against the cool brick of the frame of the large building and slunk to the corner to glance into the parking lot. I searched the rows of cars for my parents large Subaru. Seeing none in sight, I sighed. _They left... wonderful. It gives me time to check out Evan’s house._ I glanced at the address in my hands. Crumpling the sticky note, I clenched my fingers around it like it was a life line. I whispered a quiet declaration to myself before starting the walk down twisting side roads to find Evan’s home.

“I’m going to learn more about you, Evan. Even if it kills me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I love your guys support. Kudos and comments mean the world! Love you all! Next chapter should be up by Tuesday at the latest! Love ya!


	13. It Was A February Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry the chapters late but I've had the hardest week, anyways, enjoy.

(Connor)

            The concrete of the sidewalk tapped quietly as my boots slapped flatly against it. My fingers fiddled with the itchy feeling of the yellow sticky note in my hand. I glanced down at it, bringing it closer to my face, my head turning down to stare at it. _Evan... what made a fluffy cupcake like you want to kill yourself?_ I heard a soft thud ahead of me. I looked ahead to see Jared, in front of an oak tree. _He’s leaving somebody's house..._ I looked at the address.

“That’s... Evan’s house... What the fuck is Jared doing at Evan’s house?!” My voice came out grumbly and raspy in anger, annoyance, and a reaction to the cold. I made my way to the house, watching Jared stalk coolly away on the sidewalk. I rolled my eyes, waving off thoughts before they festered in my brain. I stood in the center of the cracked, crumbling driveway examining the small brown house. The old house surrounded by small crumbling houses was surprising to see since I’m so used to the large upper-class mansion that was my ridiculous house and neighborhood. The humility was actually calming, numbing the red hot anger still lingering in my veins. I felt tingling in my fingertips as I stepped carefully up the rickety concrete steps and pressed my palm to the cool metal lining of the door. The freezing touch seeped cold through my fingers, up my arms, and into my torso, chilling my blood and bones, giving me shivers.

            “I wonder if it’s okay for me to be here... We barely knew each other, let alone were friends...” I mumbled out my thoughts of doubt, the words ghosting past my chapped and cracking lips. I ran my tongue mechanically over the ripped skin. _Evan, why did you love someone as broken as me?_ I gently pressed my sweaty forehead to the door, the cool sending chills down my neck. I was shaken out of my thoughts by the sound of squeaky brakes and tires cackling over concrete as a car pulled into the driveway. I turned around and stared at the car. _It’s Heidi. It’s also a lot darker than I remember it being when I got here..._ Heidi opened her door, stepping out, her tennis shoes making soft sounds against the driveway as she ruffled through a stack of letters and envelopes in her hands. She sighed, glancing up and noticing me. Her eyes lit up slightly and she tucked the letters under one arm. She stepped faster to get to the door. Once she was up the steps she smiled brightly.

“Connor, honey, I didn’t expect to see you so soon!” Her candy-coated voice filled my ears and I felt uncomfortable yet so strangely happy to see her too. I rubbed the back of my neck, giving a bashful tug of my lips that didn’t stretch wide enough to be a smile. She grabbed her keys and unlocked the door, ushering me in.

“I just-uh... was walking home and saw that this was the address you gave the principal. So... I kinda... stopped by.” She smiled bigger at my hesitant speaking.

“I see why Evan thought so highly of you. So shy and polite, just like he was...” At that she frowned, her eyes growing misty.  _I am nothing like that or Evan, Heidi._ I wanted to retort but I instantly felt regret and worry surge through my gut at her sharp intake of breath. I lifted my hand slightly, but not knowing what to do, I put it back down. She cleared her throat, reared up her head and spoke in a careful, croaky voice.

“Well, might as well get you started on Evan’s room huh?” She spoke unhurriedly as she turned on her heel and marched through the living room and up the stairs, a silent order to follow. I took hesitant steps after her and watched as her steps faltered down the hallway and eventually stopped at a large white colored door with scratches all over the fake gold colored doorknob. She pressed her palm against the door, turning to me solidly.

“Here you are. If you have any questions, just holler, I’ll make us some tea. It’s good for a cold.” I frowned at her overly cheerful words, ignoring the cracks in her voice when she had began talking.

“How did you know I was getting a cold?” She smiled and reached forward to place a delicate hand on my shoulder.

“Oh sweetie, I’m a nurse, I could tell the moment I saw you this morning.” She patted my shoulder and walked past me, the stairs creaking under her weight as she walked back down stairs. I turned and chuckled lightly. I shook my head harshly.  _What the hell? Are you an idiot Connor? Don't act so happy with Evan's mom. He wasn't even really your friend._  I reached out and grabbed the doorknob to Evan’s room. I opened it cautiously and felt the cool wind from a slightly open window.

“Evan, don’t leave your window open.” I chastised to the empty room. Crossing the shatteringly clean area to close the window the last few inches. I leaned against the side of his desk looking at his room. _It’s almost spotless._ I examined the carefully ordered and cleaned bookshelf and nightstands, glancing over the small bits that showed it had been lived in at all. Small wrinkles and impression from where someone had sat and fidgeted restlessly on his bedspread, the scraps of paper and eraser marks on his desk from overly erasing, pens and pencils spread and laid in random places like he had to have a pen or pencil at all times no matter where he was in his room. I sighed.

“What am I supposed to be looking for, Ev?” I glanced up at the ceiling and noticed carefully organized glow-in-the-dark stars, placed to look like constellations and comets. I felt a small smile stretch on my face as my arms uncrossed from across my chest and I relaxed further, pressing my hip into the desk. My body automatically reacting fondly to the cute idea of Evan Hansen staring at those stars, because it's too cold to go outside. Suddenly I heard a quiet knock from the door. I jumped, my body tensing, my head snapping to look at Heidi holding two pristine porcelain tea cups with delicate curls of steam, reaching into the air. She smiled apologetically.

“I brought the tea.” She entered slowly, reaching one cup out to me and sitting gently on Evan’s bed. She smiled pleasantly. “He was immaculate in cleanliness. He said if even one thing was out of place he couldn’t relax and he’d get sick. Then he’d rant about how if he got sick he’d have to go to the hospital, then drop out of school, and die alone on the street.” She giggled sadly. “He sure was a dramatic kid. But I loved him more than life itself.” She squinted her eyes, her mouth pressing into a frown. I held the warm cup in my hands, feeling like not even this could fix the cold burn of empathy stinging my heart and lungs. I frowned. _Since when do I have empathy for anyone?_ I set the cup on the desk behind me and turned to her.

“Where’s um... Mr. Hansen? Evan never mentioned... him.” I mumbled, trying to pick my words carefully so as not to fully lie to this kind woman. Heidi looked up shocked. She frowned, sighing deeply.

“Evan’s dad and I divorced. When Evan was seven.” Her voice felt like a punch to my gut. _Oh my god, I’m a massive asshole._ My face must’ve portrayed the panic I felt, because she chuckled.

“Don’t worry Connor. It was a long time ago.” She slouched, relaxing more into the bedspread, one of her hands touching and mussing with the fabric. I swallowed a lump in my throat.

“What happened?” She glanced up and smiled a small smile. She looked around the room, savoring the lingering pieces of Evan. She looked to his bookshelf and took a breath.

“It was a February day. When his dad came by, you know, before going away.” She paused and took a sad breath. “There was this big U-haul truck in the drive way. And it was the day it was suddenly real... I told him... not to go outside, but he saw that truck, and he smiled so wide. ‘A real live truck in his driveway’.” She chuckled gently, “We let him sit behind the wheel... We said goodbye, and it was just me, and my little guy... And the house felt so big, and I just felt so small.” She wiped misting tears and took a shaky breath. I was leaning forward, hooked on her every word.

“That night, when I tucked him into bed, I will NEVER forget how he sat up and said, ‘Is there another truck coming to our driveway. A truck that will take mommy away’. And I knew there would be moments that I’d miss, and I knew there would be space I couldn’t fill, and I knew I’d come up short, a million different ways, and I did. And I would've now, and I would've later. But I wanted the chance to at least try. But on that February day, I took his hand, squeezed tightly and said, ‘There’s not another truck in the driveway. Your mom isn’t going anywhere, your mom is staying right here no matter what. I’ll be here.’ But I failed. I wasn’t there when it all felt so big and he felt so small. I wasn’t there to make everything seem small and far away. I failed my son. I didn’t even notice. I knew he was withdrawing, but I didn’t do anything except sign him up for more therapy lessons. I'm a nurse, I was his mother. I should've done something.” She started sobbing into her hand. I stood up straighter and walked cautiously over to her. I sighed, panic filling my chest. I placed my large hand on her small bony shoulder.

“I’m sure it wasn’t your fault. There was nothing else you could do,” She looked up at me, listening intently with her red and splotchy face. I swallowed. “Evan’s happier now. He’s okay. And you'll always be his mother.” She nodded slowly and stood up, leaving me sitting tensely on the bed spread. She sniffled and wiped her eyes, taking a small sip of her tea.

“I’m sorry to have dumped that on you, Connor. I’m going to finish up some work stuff. You just holler if you need anything.” Her candy voice cracked and was hoarse from crying. She straightened her shoulders, smiling at me gently, and walking out. I took a deep breath.

“Oh my god.” I mumbled incredulously, laying my head in my hands.  _Did that seriously just happen? What's wrong with me?_  I looked around the room, my eyes hurting from the pressure of a building empathy migraine.  _Man, she really loves you, Ev._  I stood, grabbing the tea and swallowing a large gulp, feeling the heat slip down my throat and pool in my stomach, filling my torso with a warmth from the inside. I sighed at the sweetness of the tea and continued to look around. I walked over to the bookshelf, running my black polished fingers over the spines of the books. I felt a sharp pain on the pad of my pointer finger. Snatching back my hand, I hissed at the pain. I studied my finger and noticed the small paper cut leaking crimson blood down my finger. I sucked on my finger, licking up the blood, and examining the book case. There, in between the books was a thick stack of short, almost hidden pages. I reached in between the books and pulled out the papers. The first page held small scribbles with eraser marks and smudges all over, I squinted and saw at the top was a date, Aug. 15. I swallowed. _This was written days before school even started._ I pulled the pages closer to my face and I noticed the first line. In a delicate curly scrawl was three words. I gasped.

“Holy Shit.” I mumbled out as I read the first three words again and again, not daring to read the rest of the letter yet. I took a deep breath, something inside me screaming to read every small delicate word that made up this stack of papers. I swallowed. Mumbling out the first three words past my lips, I knew I was done for.

“Dear Connor Murphy,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry again. I'll update twice on Saturday and Sunday to make up for the lateness of the chapter. Love you all!


	14. I Worship You, I'd Trade My Life For Yours

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is! Sorry it's a bit late! Also shout out to The Heathers for giving me the romantic lines in this chapter. Enjoy!

(Connor)

            My heart pounded in my chest. I had read 126 of these letters, one for every day of the first few months of school. My fingers never stopped trembling. All of these were Evan’s deepest thoughts and feelings he’d never tell anyone else. I felt like I knew him more than myself. I had read the letter about his fears of going back to school, the letter about the day I bumped into him, the letter about Jared being a total dick, the letter about his mom, the letter about his dad, the letter about himself, the letter about his fear of me disappearing, the letter of that fear coming true when I stopped going to school. These letters had quickly became a life line, my current and only reason to keep living. It’s only been a few hours, but I couldn’t let go of them. _They’re addressed to me, they belong to me. No one else can see these or touch them._ I felt increasingly protective of Evan. With these letters, he was slowly forcing his way passed my unbreakable walls and was now lounging in my heart, drinking chocolate milk and eating fruit snacks, his favorites, in his adorable striped polo shirt and khakis, his comfort clothes, as I learned.

It felt more and more like he always belonged there. _He was meant to be mine... now he’s gone..._ I gently laid down the letter I had just finished, which was just a love letter explaining how Evan knew, if he could be with me, his anxiety would lessen and my anger issues could be solved by his hugs and kisses, and we’d have our happy ending, riding into the sunset on a white horse. He described himself as a delicate princess and me his trusted knight. I was swooning at his poetic writing style, full of openness, and preening with a feeling I didn’t understand at Evan’s words of absolute trust and love. I glanced down at the next few letters in my hand, only just noticing how small the stack left in my hands suddenly was. These were the four letters I feared the most.

“This is the beginning of last week. This was the last week Evan was alive...” I swallowed at the words that ghosted past my lips and began to read.

“Dear Connor Murphy, the bullies have gotten worse, as you know, I’ve told you before. I can live with it though as long as you’re alright. I am alone, I feel like I’m slipping away, bit by bit. But every time I think of you, it feels as though the world has disappeared and you’re the only thing that’s real. You’re the only thing I can trust. You’re all I think about. The letter’s this week will be short, because all I can think about is what it’d be like with you here to hold me and tell me it’ll be okay. You’ll let me play with your hair while we lie on my bed, we’ll cry about our crappy high school, sharing our laughter as we trade sweet kisses. Holding hands, playing with our fingers, our legs tangled beneath soft sheets on our bed. Fall asleep holding each other close enough to feel our heartbeats, just comfortable with being alive together. You make me feel alive. You’re my everything Connor. I love you. Sincerely, the boy who’s in love with you, Me. Evan Hansen.” My voice cracked as I read over his dream of us. I sniffled as liquid began to trickle through my nostrils and down my throat.

“Evan... I’d give anything to make your dream come true, if only I could go back and change this.” I cried, my eyes blurring as I read over the other two letters. His words of love and kindness shaking me to the core. He was getting worse, I could hear it through the letters, as they progressed he started to talk about us as more of a far-off dream that was unachievable but in the beginning, it was a hope we could happen. _Evan, if only we had been together, I know I'd be good to you. I'd never treat you like anyone else. You're different than them. Better than them._ I set the letters down, hot tears pouring down my cheeks, my hand clenching around the final letter in my hand. I squinted at the date.  _Is this Evan’s suicide letter?_ I pulled out the letter Heidi had given me that morning, my dry knuckles scraping against the inside of my jacket pocket.. I examined it. _All the other ones have dates, this one must too._ I stared at where the date should be, trying to make out the date behind the erased smudge where the date should be. _Aha!_ I made out the mostly erased numbers, October 17. I searched through the pile to set it in its proper place. I stared at it, smiling slightly. _Evan, you wrote two on October 17. Why? The one here must’ve been the morning one, this is the afternoon one. The handwriting is sloppier like he’s more tired. Did you leave it for Heidi to find? Why not the real one?_ I stared at the last letter in my hands. _This is the real one. This is the real suicide note Evan wanted me to find._ I took a deep breath. _He wrote this for me._

“Dear Connor Murphy, I can’t do this. Today is not a good day, it’ll never be a good day. And now I know I don’t deserve to live. You could never want me after what they did... I can still hear their laughter and hot breath on me. My body hurts and aches, it burns to move. Connor, you’d never want me like this. Connor, I hope one day you’ll find these. Connor, I worship you. I’d trade my life for yours. They can all disappear. And when the morning comes, I’ll be gone. But we are special. Our love would have been overreaching. Overbearing. More powerful than anything. We could’ve started and finished wars. We could've been the asteroid that was overdue. The world will turn to dust, they’ll all die because we would've said they must. Our love could have been God. They’ll disappear, we’ll plant our garden wherever we are. We’ll raise our own city here with only the two of us. They made you cry, but that will all end tonight. In this shattered, empty hole of a world, you’re the only thing that’s right. I used to be alone, but you saved me. I’m crying now for you. You’re not alone. I’m here, you’re all I need. I’m all you need. I was meant to be yours. You were meant to be mine. I worship you. I’ll trade my life for yours. We’ll make them disappear. We’ll plant our garden here. I love you. If I go maybe you’ll be okay. Maybe I’m why you’re not okay. I love you with everything I have. We were meant to be one, but I can’t do this alone... Still, I will if I must. Goodbye. Sincerely, the one who needs nothing but you, Me. Evan Hansen.” I took a shaky breath. My tears pouring down my cheeks, shivering with the anger building in my throat, choking my air. _Those assholes hurt Evan. They’re what kept him away from me. If they’re gone, Evan might come back..._ I shook my head, my nails digging into my palms, blood dripping down my skin. _I need Evan. I need to be with him. I need to get to him._   _I'll do anything and everything to get to him._ I grabbed the letters, hiding them back in the bookshelf. I stood harshly, running out the room, pumping my legs carefully so as not to knock down anything. I clomped down the stairs, my arms raising haphazardly from the momentum. I jumped over the last few steps, landing in a crouch, before jumping up and running out the door.

“Connor? Connor!” I heard Heidi yelling my name in worried concern as I slammed the front door, but I couldn’t stop. I ran, my limbs numb and shaking from adrenaline and cold. My mind was racing, thoughts going at the speed of light. But I couldn’t feel my body. Suddenly, I was at the bottom of the bridge at the end of the town. I stepped to the edge.

“Evan. I have to be with you. If this is the only way... then I’ll do it. I'd do anything for you.” I smiled, pushing myself closer to the edge. I remembered his words, his last words.

“I worship you. I’ll trade my life for yours.” I lifted one foot over the edge, my arms reaching out to the side. Then I felt two small hands clutch the fabric of the back of my jacket at my hips. A forehead gently pressed into the middle of my back just below my shoulder blades. I shivered at the intimate contact, placing my lifted foot back down. Then I heard the voice of an angel, the voice that I only heard once, but haunts my every waking minute.

“Con?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter up tomorrow! I have some great ideas, I think you guys will like it. Love you all!


	15. Out Of My Abyss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I said I'd post two ;P

(Evan)

            Everything was dark, I was floating, but not floating. All the feeling in my body was gone. Suddenly a sparkle of a blue light shined through the darkness, searching. It landed on me slowly, and feeling began to return to my body, first a sharp pain in my arms and a terrible feeling of sickness in my stomach. My eyes burned trying to adjust and in the light, I saw faint shadows, flashes of Connor punching Jared, Connor talking to my mother, Connor in my house, Connor reading papers on my bed. _Is... is he crying? Connor..._ I tried to reach for him but my body wouldn’t move. Suddenly, he was running down streets that twisted and turned. _Connor...where are you going?_ Then, in the light, I saw him on the edge of a bridge, his arms outstretched, his foot lifted off the bridge. I heard his voice echo quietly in the dark.

“I worship you. I’ll trade my life for yours.” I felt my stomach lurch, my eyes widening, mouth dropping open in horrified shock. _He read my letters._ He began to lean off the edge. I felt panic grip every fiber of my being.

“CONNOR!!!” I lunged to him, pulling out of a sticky feeling, that felt like I was trapped in some hidden force that prevented me moving. The light blurred my vision with a burning blue. I squeezed my eyes shut, my body being overtaken by the terror of the feeling of falling. Suddenly, I felt hard wood beneath my feet. I opened my eyes. _Connor?_ This couldn’t be real... He was there in front of me, his arms outstretched, a smile ghosted on his face. Before I could stop myself I reached out. My fingers clung onto his jacket, tightening around the soft worn material, my head pressed in the area beneath his shoulder blades. I felt him settle back, shivering under my touch. My skin skimmed in cold goosebumps and I clutched him tighter.

“Con?” I asked quietly. _Are you real?_ My thoughts never quiet making it to my lips, but I felt him instantly relax into my hands and forehead. His head turned slightly over his shoulder to try and see me.

“Evan? It’s you, isn’t it?!” He spun on his heel, his hands grabbing my wrists to keep me in place before wrapping his long arms around my body in a comforting, crushing hug. He nuzzled his nose into the crook of my neck, his one hand reaching up to hold the back of my head gently. My arms wrapped loosely around his crouching torso, clutching the material of his jacket in my fingers. He breathed deeply, pressing his warm lips gently against the cool skin of my neck and jaw.

“Oh, Ev. I’m so sorry. Please don’t leave me. I need you.” His words whispered in my ear caused me to shiver in the sheer pleasure of my dream come true. I shook in a feeling of doubt and fear I couldn’t describe.

“Connor? Is this real? Am I real? Are you real?” My voice came out shaky and unsure, a loud whisper against the gentle voice of the wind. Connor clutched me tighter before pulling back just enough to look me in the eyes. A playful smirk crossed his lips.

“Does this feel real, Ev?” He leaned forward, pushing his lips against mine. I froze, an overload of my senses causing my knees to almost give out and my vision to star and black out. His soft vanilla and weed flavored lips pressed to mine, fireworks exploding, my world collapsing around me as he clutched my hip in his large hand. Butterflies erupted in my stomach, my limbs feeling light. My body felt as if I was floating, a feeling I couldn't describe pouring through my veins, replacing oxygen with flowers in my lungs. His other hand caressing my hair and cheek, thumb wiping gently underneath my eye. I felt each caress, each brush of skin like I'd never been touched before. He held me close, savoring me like I was special. He pulled away, a small smile stretching his wiry face. He pressed his thumb to my lips, his eyes staring at every inch of my face intently. His arm wrapped further around me, pulling our torsos even closer together, our legs almost entangling to keep our balance. He leaned down, his nose nuzzling my hair, then pressing a brief kiss to my temple before whispering in my ear, blowing a gust of hot air around the skin.

“Let’s go home, Ev. I wanna hold you.” I gasped in a stuttered breath. Nodding stiffly, still unsure if this was reality, I approved, my eyes staring into those blue abysses that was Connor Murphy's delicate eyes. His eyes filled with a watery warm feeling, like rain on a summer day or hot chocolate in the winter. Connor turned, grabbing my hand and leading the way. I turned to glance back at the bridge. Reality hit me. Images of me on the floor taking pills and ripping open my flesh flashing through my head, causing me to get dizzy and cling onto Connor’s arm. _I’m dead. I killed myself... Why am I here? Can I stay with Connor like this? My life is ended... am I ruining his?_ I stared at the back of his head, his hair curling lightly at the base of his neck and shoulders. Thoughts filled my mind, soon all blanked out by the feeling of his fingers squeezing my hand. His thumb dusted over my knuckles. He turned and smiled a bright, beautiful smile only for me. I felt heat flare up in my cheeks and he chuckled gently as he turned forward, picking up the pace. I felt a love-sick expression come over my face. _I can figure it out later... Please God, let me have this moment with Connor. Let me know what it could’ve been like if I was alive. Let me be with him for a while, just until I know he’ll be okay. Please._

_I love him._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Post more tomorrow! Love you all!


	16. All I Need Is You, I Don't Care If They Can't See Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M BACK BITCHES! Okay seriously though I'm so sorry guys, I've had no motivation but I came back and I swear I'll be better about updating. Anyways! How ghosts work in my story is that only Connor can see, hear, and touch Evan because he was the last thing he thought about before Evan died. And he can only be heard, seen, or touched, as long as Connor doesn't dismiss him. Since Evan came back for Connor, Evan is bound to Connor and literally cannot leave him no matter how bad he wishes. He has to maintain a certain within a certain distance or Evan and Connor will be in great physical pain, and it could kill Connor. I'll explain all this in later chapters. Okay Enjoy!

(Connor)

            My body was numb, tingling in my lips from the kiss, my hand and fingertips numb where I held his hand. _I can’t believe this is happening. He’s here. He’s okay. He’s mine. Wait... no he’s not, you can’t kiss someone and automatically assume they are yours._ I swallowed, squeezing his fingers. His hand wasn’t cold, it wasn’t warm either. His hand was just there, soft uncalloused skin with clean, slightly jagged nails. _I wonder if he stopped biting his nails once he died._ My body froze, my brain finally clicking in on the situation. Evan stopped, looking at me with an adorable confused face.

“Con? You okay?” His soft voice came out like honey and raspberries. My eyes narrowed at him, my eyebrows drawing toward each other causing skin to gather above my nose.

“Ev... you were dead... how are you here?” Evans face grimaced in pain and sadness, his shoulders shrinking in on himself. He took a cautious step away from me, his dainty fingers slipping from mine. His face turned downwards.

“Connor. I don’t know. I remember dying... but I don’t know why I am here. I just saw you and I wanted, no, I needed to get to you, and suddenly I was behind you on the bridge.” I watched him carefully as he spoke. His body shaking and his eyes never leaving the asphalt at our feet. I reached out and pulled him flush against my thin muscled torso. He tensed, shivering into my cold touch and relaxing into my body, his face pressed into my chest.

“It’s okay, Ev.” I whispered gently as I ran my hand over his back. He nodded, sniffing and pressing his nose further into my jacket, his hands clenching around the material at my sides. I pulled away, grabbing his hand.

“Let’s go.” I leaned in, kissing the top of his head gently. We began to walk quickly, the wind whipping softly around us as we practically ran back to his house. Stomping loudly up the concrete stairs, we burst through the door. Heidi sitting worriedly, with her hands on her face at the table. She jumped up as we came in and looked at me, filled with joy.

“Connor! You’re back! I was so worried when you ran out like that... Is everything okay?” Her voice came out in a rush as she ran to me, putting her hand on my shoulder. Evan tensed, his hand tightening slightly around mine as he pressed into my shoulder. I smiled brightly.

“It is now...” I said staring at Evan with warmth. Heidi looked confused, following my gaze. She scrunched her eyebrows. She placed her hand gently on my forehead, checking my temperature.

“Are you alright sweetie? What are you looking at?” I frowned at her words, looking back to Evan.

“You don’t...” Suddenly, realization dawned on me. _She can’t see him..._ “Nevermind, I’m fine.” I said, squeezing Evan’s hand and pulling him behind me slowly. She smiled brightly, bringing her hand down.

“Okay, well... if you’re okay, I’ll let you go back to Evan’s room.” She turned and went back to the table, allowing me and Evan to step gently up the stairs. Evan meandered almost in a daze to his bedroom door. He walked in, pausing to take everything in.

“You know? I thought it’d be different once I was...” He paused, his face growing dark and sad with shadows of his death. I reached out my bony arm to him, the muscles at my shoulder clenching to lift my arm. I placed my arm around him, holding him close to me as he looked up and stared into my eyes. His doe eyes filled with misty tears as his voice stuttered.

“My mom couldn’t even see me... I miss her so much.” I pressed him into my chest, a bone crushing hug being the only thing I could think of to comfort this sad beauty. I frowned pressing my cheek to the top of his head.

“Evan... it’s possible I’m the only one who can hear or see you, let alone touch you.” I whispered, trying to state facts without crushing his glass heart. He nodded, pulling away, his eyes filled with a new found idea despite the small tears running down his face.

“You’re all I need. I don’t care if they can’t see me.” I chuckled lightly at his words mixed with his cracking soft voice, blowing a raspberry on his soft cheek.

“Yes, you do care silly. Evan, you said in your letters you feel like you’re stuck behind a window and no one can see you. You want people to know you exist. You want them to know you’re here.” I cradled him close and heard his breathing stutter. I knew Evan was struggling with being dead, but having him in my arms, he felt so real. _I almost keep forgetting he’s dead, but if he was alive, this scrawny, beautiful, doof would be so warm on his chest and stomach, and cold in his fingers, soft on his shoulders._ I began to run my fingers across his body, my lips praising his cheeks and ears. He shivered into me, and began to shake as his fingers scratched at my lower back. He stood on his tippy toes, his lips barely caressing my ear.

“Connor Murphy. Kiss me so hard I see stars.” Not needing more affirmation than the sexiest whisper I’ve ever heard, I grabbed his hips, pulling him against me harshly, lightly picking him up off the ground as I slammed my lips against his. Our lips crashed and careened together, pushing and pulling, making wet slick sounds as pleasure invaded my body. Evan was positively preening, shaking as he sighed and moaned loudly. His moans edged me on and I began to kiss him harder, licking and nipping at his lips and tongue, my hands kneading his hips and thighs. He arched his back, crying out as I rutted my hips against his. We stumbled, off set from the balance of him still in the air. We fell onto the bed, my body completely encircling his small frame. He stared up at me, his hands fisted in my hair. He shivered as I glanced at his red cherry lips, licking mine and nipping at his plump bottom lip.

“C-Connor...” I laid my body on top of his, his delicate ribcage jutting into my sternum. I held him close, worshipping his neck with light breaths and kisses. He clutched the fabric covering my back. His hip bones dug into the area above mine, his thighs clenching tight together under mine. I kissed his chin gently. My lips ghosting over his ear.

“Evan. You’re so beautiful. Let’s just cuddle, yeah Gorgeous?” My words came out before I could stop them and his face flushed 30 different shades of red, decorating his beautiful skin from his neck to his ears, his eyes lowering in a seductive and appreciative look, his starry blue iris’ shining past his eyelids. He nodded at my question, looking away at my praise. I rolled off of him, placing my hand on the side of his face. He looked at me confused, as I simply stared at his ridiculous beauty.

“C-Connor? Why are you l-looking at me l-like that?” His voice came out in a gentle whisper, the air pushing lightly against my lips, the area between our faces creating a small breath of tension. I smiled gently.

“Because you’re beautiful.” He blushed loudly again and I closed the distance between our lips gently. We kissed slowly and quietly. Passionate and loving. _Holy fuck. Loving. I have almost no experience with this. Evan. You make it feel so natural to love you. Like it’s what I was made to do. Evan. Evan. Evan._

“Evan.” I gasped out, our lips separating gently. “I l—” He pressed a delicate finger against my lips, his palm rested against my cheek, thumb rubbing gently over my skin.

“Shh... Connor. Don’t speak. Hold me.” I nodded and wrapped my arms around him as he rolled over to press his face into the space between my neck and shoulder. I kissed the top of his head and ran my hand over his back in soothing circles.

“Dear, Evan Hansen. I swear I’ll never leave you again.” I whispered quietly into his hair as my eyes closed, lulled to sleep by the rhythmic breathing of the boy entangled in my arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG. Such a rush to write again. Hope you guys forgive me. New chapter coming tuesday. Love you all!


	17. I Swear I Wasn't Doing Cocaine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so it's not Tuesday but it's up so who's gonna complain? ;) Enjoy

(Connor)

            My body was numb, darkness surrounded me on every side. I could barely breathe, the oxygen coming in strangled and unsatisfying. A hidden weight pressed into my chest and strangled my lungs in their bone prison. My eyes flushed open, they frantically looked around the room in a panic. My breath was coming out in quick gasps, my heart racing, trying to come down from the night terror I can’t remember. Evan was holding me, gently petting my hair, whispering quiet words of comfort. I shifted in his grasp and he placed his hand on my face.

“Connor are you okay?!” He whisper-shouted, pulling my face to meet his. “You were tossing and turning and moaning like you couldn’t breathe. I was so scared! Are you okay?! Were you dreaming? You worried me sick!” His words came out at a racer speed, not giving me any time to explain. He wrapped his arms around me in a crushing hug. “Are you okay?” His almost silent voice was lost in my shoulder as he clenched his fists around my jacket. He pulled away, examining me gently, trying to see if I had any injuries. I shook my head.

“I’m fine, Evan.” I smiled at him fondly, enjoying the relief that filled his eyes. I glanced at the clock on Evan’s side table and saw that it was 10:30pm. I jumped up.

“Ev. I need to go. My parents are gonna kill me for being out this late! I may have gotten expelled but I’m supposed to be on house arrest!” I started breathing hard as panic quickly entered back into my system. He quickly stood and ran over to my pacing body. He placed a delicate hand on my arm.

“Con, it’s okay. You can go home, and I’ll visit tomorrow or something... I mean I-I think I can... I mean I’m dead so no one can really stop me but it’s rude to just leave without telling my mom anything even if she can’t see me but—" I leaned forward and kissed his lips, cutting off his anxious rant. I pulled away and he smiled lightly.

“Thanks.” I nodded and sat him back on the bed. I ran my fingers through his hair.

“I’m gonna go, Evan. I’ll find a way to come back tomorrow.” He nodded at my words, his head nuzzling my hand. I smiled, and turned to walk away. Stopping at the door, a thought passed through my mind. I whirled around and stomped back over to him. He looked up at me confused. I slammed my lips to his, causing him to fall backward on the bed, my arms caging him in, my knees on either side of his thighs. His hands reached up to tangle in my hair and claw the fabric at my back. He pressed his knees together as he whimpered into my mouth, my tongue and teeth nipping and exploring his lips and mouth. I pulled away smirking. His face was flushed and his beautiful eyes were half-lidded. His chest rose and fell quickly, pants passing through his plump cherry lips. I bit my lip at the sight.

“See you tomorrow, Evan.” I winked at him and saw his face change suddenly into one of a swoon. I smirked bigger and crawled off him. He sat up slowly as I walked out. My heart was beating quickly, heat pooling in my stomach from the numbing and arousing effect that is Evan Hansen. _For someone so innocent, he sure knows how to turn my gears._ I chuckled quietly at my thought and continued down the stairs. Glancing into the kitchen and dining room area, I saw no Heidi in sight. _Where’s Heidi? Her tea is still on the table..._ Passing through the living room, I saw her passed out on the couch, her hair in all directions like she had collapsed. I heard quiet footsteps behind me, muffled even further by the carpet. I turned my head to glance at Evan. He smiled sadly at his mother sleeping on the old tan couch. He looked at me, misty tears in his starry eyes.

“She looks so tired...” I turned to look at Evan completely.

“Yes, she does.” Evan frowned at my words. He went to grab the blanket off the back of the couch. He opened it up and spread it across her small frame.

“You should get home, Connor. Your parents are probably so angry.” I walked over and hugged him from behind, pressing a quick kiss against the side of his head.

“Bye, Ev.” I turned and walked out, opening and closing the front door quietly, trying not to wake up Heidi. I got halfway down the driveway when pain seized my gut. I doubled over, shocked at the sudden pain. I tried to take another step and it spread into a mind numbing electric shock throughout my whole body. I began to scream. I heard the front door open and shut quickly as Evan ran out of his house and ran to my body. I was curled into a ball on the pavement and he ran, placing his hands on my back and arms. The second his hands touched my skin, the pain disappeared. I breathed hard, hugging Evan tightly.

“Connor what happened?” Evan’s eyes searched my face and held me tightly, shaking. I shook my head.

“I don’t know.” His arms held me tighter.

“Maybe I should spend the night at yours tonight...” I pulled out of the hug, shocked. I grabbed his shoulders gently but firm. I stared into his fear filled eyes.

“Evan.” He shook his head quickly, shrugging his shoulders to his ears, his face blushing a quiet pink color.

“N-not for t-that reason! I-I just don’t want to leave you alone...” His face was turned, avoiding my eyes. I nodded at his voice, feeling relieved.

“Okay, then we can go to my house.” I lifted him up as I stood, and held him close. I looked around and frowned.

“Let’s go, yeah?” I looked at Evan for confirmation, his eyes still avoided mine, his ears still aflame with his embarrassment from before. He nodded silently, and I began to lead him to my house almost a whole neighborhood from his house. The streets began to blur together as Evan and I talked quietly and laughed in the empty streets. Soon enough, we were standing at the driveway of my extravagant high class American home. I frowned at the house, the memories it holds turning my mood sour. Evan tightened his fingers around my hand. I glanced at him, his eyes filled with concern and the emotion I saw when he was alive but still can’t place. I squeezed his hand, smiling lightly at the smile that took over his face. I led us up the drive and onto the porch, pausing slightly at the door. I looked at Evan for more reassurance before opening the door and tip toeing into the entrance. The lights suddenly flicked on and there sat Larry on his stupid Lazy Boy with his arms crossed, and a scowl on his face. I immediately tensed in anger and disgust.

“Where have you been, boy?!” I growled in my throat at his tone of disappointment and anger. I heard Evan whimper and move behind me, and clutch my jacket. I snarled.

“None of your business, Larry.” I spat out his name like it was slime and turned harshly to go up the stairs to my room. He launched out of the chair and grabbed my shoulder, throwing me against the wall, Evan being thrown to the ground. I hissed at the pain in my spine. I looked at Evan on the ground, looking like a delicate flower being abused, I shoved Larry off of me. I moved to stand in front of Evan. _Larry can’t see him, but that doesn’t matter. He’s delicate, he needs to be protected._ Larry growled.

“Who am I kidding? You’re probably high off of cocaine or weed or whatever drug you want right?!” I looked at him offended and annoyed.

“I wasn’t doing cocaine! I’m not even high!” I shouted and he slapped me across the face. My cheek stung where he hit me, my face heating at the blood running down my face. I growled, leaning down so Evan could grab onto me and get up without Larry noticing what I was doing. I stood, once Evan grabbed onto my sleeve.

“I swear I wasn’t doing cocaine. But you don’t care about that. You don’t care about anyone but yourself.” I spat out at him as I shoved past his shocked face and helped Evan stumble up the stairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know when I'll post next but it'll probably be Thursday. Love you all thank you for the support!


	18. Don't You Want To Be Seen?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it's been so long! Updates may be slow but they're coming. Love you all.

(Evan)

            Connor practically hauled me up the stairs, my wrist stinging from his fingers holding on too tight. My fingers going numb, my palm tingling I heard Connor’s breath and felt his heartbeat on my skin. _Is... Connor having a panic attack?_ We rushed over the dark brown carpet and through pristine white walls to a beaten and battered almost woody colored, chipped white painted, door. He threw the door open and slammed it closed after me. Not letting go, he led me harshly to the bed. My feet moved sluggishly, not being able to do more than shuffle from the stinging in my wrist and the fear hugging my stomach. He threw me on the bed, finally releasing my wrist, and began to pace holes in his carpeted floor. Cradling my wrist to my chest, I looked at him cautiously.

“C-c-connor? A-are... um... are you ok-kay?” He turned violently to look at me with his cold ice blue eyes. I cursed myself silently for letting my fear show through me as I tensed and flinched away from his gaze. He sighed worriedly.

“Ev. Please. Please don’t be scared... I’m sorry. Larry just... I don’t know! He’s Larry!” I shivered, not really understanding, but nodding anyways. He sighed again, running a hand through his messy hair. The move made me shiver again but in a different way. He walked slowly toward my sitting figure. Reaching out his large hand, he smoothed back my hair, resting his palm against my jaw. His thumb rubbed gentle circles on my cheekbone as he came closer to press a small kiss on the top of my forehead.

“I wish no one could see me but you.” He whispered into my hair. I frowned.

“Don’t you want to be seen? You don’t want to be alone. You want to be found. For people to notice what they don’t.” I spoke up, looking at him gently. He smiled and moved in.

“I guess I do. How are you so wonderful? How did you notice me so much when no one else did?” His voice sent cool water down my spine as his lips brushed against mine.

“Because I love you.” Connor stiffened.

“You do?” He looked so afraid like I’d disappear if he wasn’t holding me.

“I do, always did, always will.” My words turned into whispers as I kissed him softly.

“Ev.” He whispered quietly as he moved his mouth with small kisses to my ear and down my jaw, his hand moving to the side of my neck. My senses numbed, my brain and heart only focused on the small ministrations of his cracked gentle lips. His thumb pressed lightly onto my Adam’s Apple and I jumped back. Fear and panic overtaking my heart in a moment of spasming terror and flashing memories. He straightened up quickly like he’d been shot.

“Jesus Evan! Don’t scare me like that!” I simply tensed and nodded. He sighed again. _He’s been sighing a lot when he’s with me..._

“I didn’t mean what you think I meant, Ev. You just startled me. Don’t be mad. Are you okay? What did I do wrong? I swear I’ll never do it again.” He held up three fingers on his right hand, his left coming to rest on his chest above his heart. “Scouts honor.” He said winking at me, a smirk spreading across his mischievous face. I giggled lightly, moving toward him, putting my hands on his shirt sleeves, pulling him in between my seated knees.

“You are not a boy scout.” I laughed, running my hands up his arms. He chuckled, his smirk growing. He leaned down, kissing my cheek by my ear.

“That’s what you think, gorgeous.” I giggled at his words, leaning my head to nuzzle against his. His hands rubbed up and down my arms, then moved cautiously to my waist. He kneeled on the bed between my thighs. His face turned serious as the smirk dropped and he made nauseatingly hard eye contact with me.

“I’m serious, Ev. Tell me what I did, so I won’t scare you again.” I shivered at his words, turning my face to look at the floor.

“J-just... my neck... w-when th-they.... th-they h-held me d-down... th-they bit... and choked me... th-they hurt me...” My voice came out shakily and high-pitched with the whine of sobs climbing up my throat. I felt a gentle hand on the side of my head.

“Oh, Evan. I’d never.” He sat next to me and held me in a tight, reassuring hug. I clung to him and cried as he held me. _I’m stronger than this... I’m dead, they can’t hurt me anymore... it’s just... My soul feels degraded and broken._

“I’d never hurt you, Ev. You’re so special to me. I beat them up today. They were joking about it like it didn’t matter. But Evan, they made me so angry. You matter, and you are so precious how dare they even think about laying a hand on you.” Connor was shaking with disgust and anger, causing my body to shiver lightly. He kept running his hands through my hair and down my back. He kissed the top of my head lightly.

“Let’s go to bed okay? You must be exhausted...” My voice was so quiet, I was sure he didn’t hear me. His low rumble of a chuckle echoed in his chest. I looked up at him.

“You’re so cute, Ev,” He smiled a real smile. His eyes lit up, sparkles coming off his face as his lips stretched over his teeth. _He’s beautiful..._ I stared in awe. _How can someone so wonderful exist?_ He pressed a tender kiss on my cheek before standing to change. He peeled off his shirt and I couldn’t help but stare. _Oh my god. Oh. My. God._ His pale skin shone in the dark light of the room. His lean muscles dimpling his skin allowing dips and curves of muscles and skin totally drool worthy. His dark chest hair traveled and curled lightly as it traveled down to his bellybutton and then down below dark boxer briefs that hung out of black ripped skinny jeans. I stood cautiously, needing to touch the majestic being in front of me. I reached out and my cold fingertips hit smooth warm skin, causing goosebumps to spread across the beauty in front of me. He shivered.

“E-Evan. What’re you doing?” _He fucking stuttered! Because of me!_ I ran my hands along his muscles, running short nails down his chest, abs and lower back. He growled lowly in his chest, the sound coming out guttural and oh so sexy. He moaned quietly in the back of his throat when I scratched his shoulder blades.

“Evan, if you don’t want me to do something you’re not ready to do, I suggest you stop.” I shivered at his words, but I knew he was right. The heat pooling in my groin and numbing my limbs started to go away and I backed up, reluctantly removing my hands from the hard skin. He threw on a t-shirt and pulled off his pants to reveal the boxer briefs. I shivered again. He walked slowly toward me, calculatedly. I tried to stand tall, but the sultry look in his eyes made me crumple under his gaze. He leaned forward, his fingers playing with the hem of my shirt. He pressed his lips to my ear.

“Let’s get you comfortable, yeah?” He pulled back and motioned for me to remove my clothes. I tensed my face heating 3 million degrees. He turned toward a dark wood dresser and began to ruffle through drawers. I pulled off my shirt and shimmied out of my pants before looking up to a bright red-faced Connor Murphy. His eyes were glued to my body, examining every dip and freckle. He sighed.

“Evan, you’re so beautiful.” My face flushed more, and I tensed at the praise. He walked toward me and lifted my arms above my head gently. I shivered under his intense gaze and he lifted a large shirt he got from the drawers. He slid my hands in the sleeves and slowly slid the soft material down my arms, caressing every inch of skin along the way. I dipped my head to put it through the main hole and he pulled slightly to get it passed my face. His hands still on the shirt, he lowered the fabric until it hung at my mid-thighs. His fingertips grazing the sides of my torso and thighs lightly. Goosebumps invaded my body as he let go of the shirt. He stood back to admire his handiwork.

“Damn it, Evan. This shirt is years old... Why is it so big and sexy on you?” My face flushed a loud scarlet color at his words. _Me? Sexy?_ He reached out to me leading me to the bed.

“I hope you’re okay with cuddling?” He said as he untucked the sheets and helped me in, laying beside me and immediately holding my body close to his. I snuggled into his warmth, his hands and smell so comforting. The hard muscles under his skin, hidden under thin cotton causing me great solidity. He kissed my head.

“Goodnight, beautiful.” I smiled, blushing at his words.

"Night, Connor."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed this longer chapter. Hopefully, I'll be able to update on Tuesday or Thursday. Love you all!


	19. Author's Note

I'm so sorry guys! I'm not sure if you'll believe me but I'm so upset I could scream and cry. I spend the five days leading up to Thanksgiving staying up til 3 am writing this FANTASTIC chapter for you guys, but my computer got a virus and it deleted not only all my school essays and projects, but it deleted my entire rough draft of my whole story. "Dear Connor Murphy" is nowhere to be found on my computer and I now have to redo all the work I've done for my college classes and I'm so mad. I lost all my authors notes and plans for the future chapters and no past chapters and I cried for two days straight and I don't know how to apologize to you guys. I promise I'll rewrite the chapter but I need a few more days to go back and copy all my previously posted chapters to a new document and I'm so upset guys, I'm so sorry. I love you guys. I'll see you in a few days when I recover emotionally. I'm sorry. Thanks for all your support. You guys mean everything to me.


	20. I'd Give Anything To See You Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! Everything is figured out and I will be editing and writing more often now all that's done with. Thank you all for your wonderful unending patience! Sorry, it's short but I couldn't bring myself to spend more time imagining how Hiedi felt here. Hope you understand!   
> ALSO TRIGGER WARNING: DONT READ IF NOT COMFORTABLE WITH VERY DETAILED DESCRIPTION OF SUICIDE/AFTERMATH

(Heidi)

            I woke slowly. My heavy head lifting from the couch as I looked around the dark living room confused. A tattered tweed blanket draped over my legs, tangling as I moved to sit my legs on the side. My body moved lethargically, and my brain felt dead. It was as if I was watching myself do things as my heart lay broken and smashed in the cage of my chest. I settled my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands as I smoothed the hair back from my face. _Nights are the worst._ I blinked quickly as the feeling of lead stung my stomach and ached in my bones. I stood to wander about the house. Meandering up the stairs numbly, I found myself in front of Evan’s door. I rested my hand on the door and swore I saw him laying in his bed sleeping peacefully. Pain stabbed at the ever-growing hole in my chest and I remembered the many late nights wandering up these stairs after a shift or class and seeing him sleeping with such a gentle look on his face. Tears slid down my face, my eyes burning at the salty water. I stumbled into the room carefully.

“Oh, Evan. My baby. My son,” I collapsed on my knees by his bed, shoving my face into his bedspread and squeezing the fabric between my fingers, “Why couldn’t I see what was happening? Evan. How can I keep you near me? My baby boy, I can’t let this go.” I sobbed, my words forcing my tight throat to keep breathing. _What can be done? I saw him... My own son, laying in a pool of his blood, he looked so pale. How could I have let this happen? Why didn’t I treasure him more?_ The memory came flooding in and I couldn’t stop the echoes and flashes behind my closed eyes.

**I walked through the door. _I can’t wait to show these essays to Evan. He’s such a wonderful writer, I’m sure he’ll love them!_ I set my handful of papers, my keys, and purse on the table, taking off my jacket. The silence of the house was deafening, and I felt the pool of uncertain dread in my stomach. _Something isn’t right..._ **

**“Evan?” I called out questioningly, setting my coat on the back of the rickety kitchen chair. Hearing no reply, I felt confused.**

**“Evan?! Are you home?!” I called louder, hoping for any response as I made my way to the bottom of the stairs. Still hearing nothing, I walked up the stairs slowly. Seeing the light under the locked bathroom door, Evan’s bedroom door ajar down the empty, lonely hallway. I stepped softly to the door. Knocking quietly, I pressed my ear to the door.**

**“Evan, honey? Are you in there?” Hearing no reply, I set my hand on the cold doorknob. Something hung in the air. A tension that cannot be described as I opened the door. There on the floor, lying in a heap, all his blood in a crimson puddle all around him. I stared shocked. Blood stained his rumpled clothes, a rusty color taking over the soft blue of his shirt and overtaking his soft blonde hair. His face was blank and empty, eyes closed, the drops of unshed tears hung at the corners of his eyes. Cuts lined his pale arms and left streaks of dried blood down to his wrists. I fell to the floor, running to him. Wrapping my arms under his, I tried to lift my baby up.**

**"Ev. Evan baby, w-wake up honey. Evan, you're gonna be okay... Sweetie just hold on." I ran my hands through his hair, pulling him close to my chest as I rocked his lifeless body. I held him in my arms tightly, sobs and screams climbing my throat from my lungs and crawling out passed my lips, forcing their way through haggard breaths and pain in every part of my body. I clutched his cold, heavy figure to me. Tears poured down my face and I kept using my blood-stained fingers to try and move the iron liquid from his face.**

**“NO! EVAN PLEASE! WAKE UP! EVAN!”**

The images receded, and I felt my body completely give out. I lay crumpled on his floor, my fingers clutching his bedspread as my lifeline. My throat was sore, and I felt my body numbly as if my soul had died. My throat burned as a sob wracked my torso and whispered words left my lips, echoing in his quiet room.

“Evan... I’d give anything to see you again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again! Finals week is next week, and after that, I should be back to updating almost every day! Sorry to keep you all waiting but I hope it's worth it! Love you All! I'll update again later this week!


	21. A Perfect Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my gosh guys I'm back! And I am so sorry!!! This has been the longest months of my life and I'm so sorry. Anyways! Here is your well-deserved chapter!!!

(Evan)

            I shot straight up, panic igniting my veins like an unseen wildfire threatening to swallow me whole. My breathing came out in harsh short pants, my heart throbbing in my chest, pulsing painfully against my ribcage. Images and memories flashed behind my eyes, I felt their hands and mouths, I felt the pain and crippling shame and guilt at their actions. I felt arms tighten around me, a heavy breath hot down my neck. I couldn’t take it.

 My body shook with the adrenaline and my eyes burned from the tears of fear threatening to escape along with the broken sob in my throat. The sensory overload of the hot breath in my ear was too much to handle and I scrambled away from it in a flurry of limbs and sheets. I huddled in the corner my heartbeat thudding in my ears as my eyes flew around the room, taking in everything and nothing. _I’m in Connor’s room, I’m safe. I’m okay._ I tried to reason with myself knowing it wouldn’t work.

Connor groaned, rubbing his eyes and sitting up, confusion evident on his features. His eyes landed on me, I saw him rocking to and fro. _Is that me rocking? Why can’t I feel my body? I can’t breathe._ My vision started to black out and Connor looked at me afraid.

“Evan... Ev- look at me,” He crawled near the edge of the bed slowly, one arm outstretched to me, “I need you to breathe. In... Out... Good. Again.” He repeated the motion and words over and over, making sure I followed with my shaky breaths. _In. Out._ I felt air fill my lungs but do nothing to soothe my panic. Connor took a delicate step towards me. I flinched automatically. A look of worry and fear passed his face. He sat on the floor and held out his hand.

“Ev... I can help. Is it okay if I hold you? You can come if you want.” He reached a little farther as I fearfully reached out my fingers.

“I’ll protect you,” His words pierced my panic and I looked at him clearly. I grabbed his hand and crawled into his arms. He held me close and hesitantly rubbed his hand in circles on my back. I breathed slowly before whispering quietly.

“I don’t need your protection, just stay with me.” He smiled at my barely uttered words and pressed his nose in my hair.

“Whatever you need.” My breathing evened out and I stopped shaking like a leaf in the wind. He breathed sleepily in my hair and I felt his chest rise and fall slowly. I turned to press my face into his shoulder. His chest rumbled with his sleepy voice.

“Ev, do you want to go somewhere with me today?” He looked at me happily and I felt my chest warm noticeably. I clenched my hands together and nodded excitedly. We separated to get ready and I stared out his window at the beautiful trees and glowing blue sky. A strange feeling blossomed in my lungs and took residence in my heart and stomach. Connor grabbed my hand and pulled me down the stairs and out the door. Running through the house, I didn’t have time to let the emptiness set into my bones and ruin the warmth from looking at the color of the sky.

We drove through the town in Connor’s small car and out onto a thin dirt backroad. I stared at his hands loosely wrapped around the tan steering wheel and his posture slouched into the seat, relaxed and full of some kind of warmth I can’t place. The countryside seems to expand into the eternities with the soft blue and white of the sky suspended above the miles of grass and farmland. Blinking slowly, I smile contently at the sun warming my legs through the window. He pulls into a small parking lot in front of a small shop with the words A La Mode on the front in big swirly letters. He smiled.

“Feel like an ice cream break?” My eyes latched onto his and felt my face lift in confusion. His grin widened mischievously and he winked at me.

“Stay here.” My cheeks heated with his words and the suggestive wink he sent my way.  He walked towards the small, rundown shop. I studied it once he walked in. The faded white and baby blue paint was chipping at the sides and made the place look barely used. But it had a homey feel I could only describe as nostalgic. Focusing on the building I didn’t notice when Connor came back. He closed his door loudly and I jumped, whipping my head toward him. He looked at me, amusement crossing his face. He held out a small paper bowl with a soft cream colored ice cream in it, a white plastic spoon sticking out. He smiled.

“I hope you like cheesecake, I just grabbed something we could share.” He held up another spoon in his hand and took a small scoop of the ice cream. My eyes followed it into his mouth as his lips and tongue ate up the ice cream. I gulped, turning away and fixing my eyes on my lap. He waited for me to take a bite before he pulled out of the parking lot and continued down the road.

We took turns taking small bites of the ice cream as we joked and smiled along with the brightly lit sky and small murmurs from the quiet radio. Suddenly, and endless expanse of trees filled my vision. I looked on as they rushed past, blurred by the speed of the car.

“Connor. Where are we?” I spoke breathlessly, my voice unable to suppress my excitement. He laughed boisterously, his head flinging back, his shoulders shaking up and down. My heart fluttered in my chest.

“You’ll see.” He smiled, a full teeth smile with nothing but light and excitement in his eyes. My stomach flipped pleasantly and I turned my face away as I felt heat crawl up my neck. He turned down another road. A small wooden sign on the side of the road pointed toward the rows of trees. In chipping, black paint was the words, Autumn Mills Apple Orchard. I gasped, my hands coming up to my face. My face whipped to face Connor.

“An orchard?!” I exclaimed, sitting up straighter and trying to lean closer to the window. He laughed again and simply smiled, not answering. Parking by a small hole in the chain link fence, he turned off the car and got out, motioning for me to follow. He climbed gracefully through the hole and helped me do the same, untangling my clothes from the fence more than once. He grabbed my hand and pulled me through the large expanse of trees our voices echoing across the space with bright laughter and what felt like music to my soul. He pulled me through an opening of two trees to reveal a large field framed with huge sturdy trees and long bright green grass. I felt overcome with excitement and happiness. I started running through the field, lifting my knees so as not to trip. I could feel Connor running after me, our laughter and footsteps clearing the silence of the meadow. He caught up easily, tackling me to the ground. Our bodies rolling in the soft earth. We laid beside each other and stared at the sky. We laughed more and began to talk. We created inside jokes and quoted the lyrics of our favorite songs.

Hours passed as we shifted from laying to sitting to walking slowly. He held my fingers lightly in his grip.

“What did you want to do after you graduated?” Connors soft voice was becoming more and more of a relief and comfort I hadn’t thought I required. I brought my other hand to my face, looking off to the side to think.

“I think I’d have wanted to bike the Appalachian trail.”

“Or write a book.”

“Or learn how to sail.” We finished each other's thoughts, growing more and more comfortable in each other's embrace.

“Wouldn’t that have been cool. You could sail around the whole world. Experience the inexperienced, live the unexamined life.” I smiled at his words.

“Maybe not the whole world, mine feels pretty complete like this.” My face warmed as I spoke, and I lowered my chin, slouching my shoulders inwards. He stopped walking and I looked at him confused. His eyes were wide and a bright blush was expanding across his nose and cheeks, decorating the tips of his ears. His eyes pierce directly into mine and he takes a deep breath.

“There's nowhere else I’d rather be,” His head shook slightly as his eyes bore into mine and caused my own face to flush. I looked away, a grin erupting on my face.

“Me too,” I whispered quietly. We looked around the field as we continued to talk. I smiled.

“It seems like we’ll only see the sky for forever,” I whisper more to myself than to Connor. The corners of his lips twist into a soft smile.

“The whole world could pass us by here.” I nod at his peaceful words and stare at the clouds through the grass. _I feel like we could go on for forever like this. The sun shines so brightly here. It’s like..._

“It feels like we’ll be alright for forever doesn’t it.” I looked at Connor, his eyes fixed on the brightly lit sky. I felt the fondness creep up into my chest and I nodded. Suddenly, he jumps up and is racing toward the tallest tree in the field. He’s far across the field quickly and I can hear his whoops and hollers of joy. He turns slightly to call after me.

“Follow me!” Without a second thought, I’m running too and the dandelions stick out from the grass coating my jeans with yellow and green stains. By the time I catch up, He’s already half-way up the giant tree, I begin to climb quickly, desperate to experience this with him. He laughs and calls down to me.

“Hurry up Ev! I wanna see what it looks like from up so high!” I laugh and climb faster. One foot after the other, one branch here, then to another. We climb higher and higher and higher. We reach the top. He yells victoriously. _The sun feels so warm on my face..._ Connor turns to say something to me.

I hear a sharp snap, I feel the branch give way, and I hear Connor screaming as I am stuck, useless at the top of the tree.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Guys! So school will be starting soon so I'm sure I'll be able to post more frequently! So I had a lot of plans for this fic, but I can't decide if I should just end it within the next two or three chapters. I'd like to know your opinions seeing as I'm writing this for you more than for me. Should I continue? (if I continue there will be at least 5 chapters more.) or should I end it within the next two or three chapters? Thanks! Love you all! Until next time!


	22. And All Our Yesterdays Have Lighted Fools, The Way to Dusty Death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys! I have no excuses other than I suck! Hopefully, this chapter will make up for it though! Enjoy!

(Connor)

Falling. What a strange comforting, terrifying, horrible, wonderful feeling. The feeling that everything and nothing has led to this exact moment here. The moment where, make it or break it, the entire world seems to slide deliciously to a complete stop. The slow motion of the air caressing and scraping its freezing nails into my skin. The sweet simplistic blur of the leaves and branches as my hands scramble without real intent for a semblance of a hold.  _ Would it be so bad to just let go? What is the point in being alive anyways?  _ Feeling a cold creeping feeling slink into my fingers and toes I began to feel heavy in my suspended fall. Suddenly, only one thing crosses my mind.

_ Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, _

_ Creeps in this petty pace from day to day, _

_ To the last syllable of recorded time; _

_ And all our yesterdays have lighted fools _

_ The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle! _

_ Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player, _

_ That struts and frets his hour upon the stage, _

_ And then is heard no more. It is a tale _

_ Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, _

_ Signifying nothing. _

The rough folds of my thoughts scrap and scratch over my brain creating an itch behind my eyes.  _ My life means nothing. I have no purpose, no meaning, what grand design would I belong to if I stay alive? There’s no reason for me to exist in this way. _

“CONNOR!!!” I hear a shrill screech above me in the branches. Feeling the drag of the wind as I drag my eyes to look, I catch a look at sweet sweet blue eyes, wide with fear and panic, arm and fingers outstretched to me.  _ His eyes are so blue, so blue...  _ At this thought, a million images and feelings flashed and burned behind my eyes and in my skin.  _ Evan. My Evan. My beautiful Evan. I can’t leave Evan. I want to see him in the morning, hold him as we fall asleep each night, and kiss his tears. I want to protect him and make him breakfast.  I want to be with him. I need to stay alive. I NEED TO BE WITH EVAN!  _ As if I had been doused in cold water, my body came alive. My hands start slapping around in the branches, trying to find a handhold. My scrambling arms finally grabbed purchase on a sturdy branch. Fingers slipping sharply with the briskness of the impact, I flailed again for a better hold as I fell a few more branches down. My hands being scratched and cut with every piece of bark sticking out and the thick leaves pulling at my skin. The painless stinging barely registering in my mind as panic filled my soul. With a jolt, my falling came to a stop, pulling my arm at a sharp angle and ripping pain through my shoulder. I was knocked out of my stupor of pain as I heard my panicking love above me.

“Con-Connor?! Connor! Are you okay? Ho-Hold on I’m coming!” Evan began to scale down the branches skillfully with rushed and scared actions. As he came closer I started to see the scared flush on his face, his blond eyebrows pulled up worriedly. I pulled myself up and leaned heavily against the trunk of the huge tree, my legs straddling the branch. Evan’s harsh breaths and movements ruffling the leaves became louder and louder as he landed on my branch. He threw himself into my arms, pushing me against the trunk and pressing the bark into my back through the thin fabric of my shirt.

“Connor. Oh, Connor. Please, don’t scare me like that again. I need you. Connor, I need you.” Evan’s breathless whisperings came out as almost sobs as his face was pressed into my shoulder. His back shaking as tiny cries scampered out of his blushing lips. My arms wrapped tightly around his shoulders, I held him to my chest. The feel of our uneven breaths pushing our chests against each other in harsh, unsure intervals. The night grew dark as we continued to just hold each other, long after our breathing turned from heavy pants to deep, calming gulps of air.

“Please don’t leave me,” Evan’s whispered and hushed voice filtered through the cold air, cutting the darkening night in half, “I need you.” I felt the guilt of the almost accidental suicide slither like a cold snake stalking slowly in his gut and his limbs. I felt his fingers tensed on my shirt, not having loosened the whole time.

“Evan, please. Look at me.” I put my finger gently under his chin, guiding his face to look up at mine. “I’ll never leave you,” I whispered, moving in and closing my eyes, as his lips softly touched mine. I opened one of my eyes briefly to see his eyes open in shock and his face blushing a loud red hue from his neck all the way up to his hair. I kissed his lips harder and he finally snapped his eyes shut, losing himself in our kiss. Allowing my eyes to slide closed once more, I slid my hand to cup the side of his face. My thumb slid back and forth over his cheekbone and I felt him tremble under my fingers. Pulling back, I saw him lean forward, chasing my lips, his eyes still deliriously closed. His fingers slipped off my shirt and his palms pressed against my body through my shirt as he peeled open his eyes. I rubbed my fingers against his delicate smooth skin and smiled at his half-lidded hazy blue eyes.

“Evan,” I whispered pulling him close to me, “We- um... we should go,” I looked away from his intoxicating eyes and tried to pull myself together, forcing the butterflies down to the pit of my stomach and willing my heart to slow its frantic beating. He cleared his throat and I saw him look down and felt him put a little distance in between us.

“You’re right, it’s um... it’s getting a little late... uh... Thanks, for... you know, taking me here.” I turned to look at him, his calm sweet voice causing my soul to soar. I smiled at his timid facial expression.

“I’d do anything for you, Ev.” His eyes shot to mine, his face stuck in a shocked and ardent expression. I smiled, pressing another chaste kiss to his swollen, pink lips. Together, we climbed down the rest of the branches, the cuts burning into my arms and hands, my shoulder turning into a heated burn under my skin. Once our feet were on solid ground, the relief in the air was palpable and Evan gripped my arm in what felt like desperation. I stared at him, devotion and a warm, burning, unbearable feeling welled up in my heart and body, causing tingling in my nerves. He stared back, head tilted in confusion as his eyebrows twisted up, a small smile dusted his adorable face.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” He asked, his voice barely above a whisper. I smiled back at him, blinking my eyes at the gentle question.

“Because you deserve to be looked at like you’re the whole reason the world is turning,” I whispered back to him, pressing our foreheads together, the tips of our noses barely touching. His face erupted into a loud blush and his eyes widened in shock.

“C-Con- Connor!” He shouted, backing away in surprise. I followed his steps, pulling him to me. With his chest, flush against mine, I gave him another blistering kiss. Every kiss I gave I felt straight to my toes. It was like the world was on fire and freezing over at the same time, all my nerves alight with the absolute sensation of utter delight and devotion to the being in front of me. I felt myself become lightheaded at the throaty groan Evan made as he swayed in my arms. I pulled him tighter to me, releasing his delicious lips. 

Evan gasped at the wet noise our lips made as they disconnected and blushed up to his ears. I studied the blush before leaning in, my brain fogged with the desire just to ravish this absolute god in front of me. I pressed a wet kiss to his jaw, moving up his cheeks and down his neck, nibbling on the nape of his neck, hearing a staggered gasp tear itself from his lips, his hands grasping at my shirt, pulling at my body to try to bring us closer together. His panting was all I could focus on as my kisses moved up his neck to plaster kisses on his jaw and to press a quick nip to the lobe of his ear. He moaned loudly, bucking his hips against mine suddenly, causing a moan to rip from my throat at the feel of his rough jeans slam into mine. He abruptly cried out in shrouded pain.

“Ah! Ah-ow, Con- Connor, please! Hold on! Wait!” He was pushing me away and my arousal quickly died in my gut. I pressed my hands to his cheeks, making his eyes focus on mine.

“Ev, are you okay? You’re not hurt?” I looked him over and searched for any wounds or bruises. He shook his head. I came back to look at his face, I pressed a kiss to his forehead. “Let’s go Ev, you must be tired.” He nodded and I pulled him into me for a tight hug. His arms wound around me in a delicate almost careful way. After pulling away from the hug, I took his hand in mine, ignoring the burns from the scraps and tugging him through the field and out to the fence of the orchard. I bent down and climbed through the hole in the chain link, the dirt and gravel on the ground, digging into my cuts causing a sharp hiss of pain to escape me. Making sure Evan didn’t hear me, I finished climbing through the fence and helped Evan crawl through, making sure the sharp edges of the links didn’t hurt him. We got in the car and drove the way home in silence. The darkness of the night pressed inside the small car and felt almost comfortably suffocating. I kept glancing at Evan only to find him fast asleep against the window of the car. I smiled gently, studying him with every glance.  _ I swear I’ll protect you. I’ll never leave you, I promise. _

Arriving at home I gently helped him to his feet and snuck us into the house, forgetting no one could see him anyways. Tugging him slowly up the stairs, I held him close. Slowly creeping into my room, I laid him on my bed, after getting us into some sleep clothes, I pulled us both under the covers, holding him close to my body. My eyes began to drift closed. I felt heaviness settle in my veins.  _ I love you, Evan. _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Part of the story coming soon! Sorry again for how long it took! I love you all! <3


	23. Author's Note

Hey Guys! I'm back and I've just posted the first chapter to the next story in the series Dear Connor Murphy. The newest story is called 'Dearest Evan Hansen' feel free to check it out! Love you All thank you so much for your continued support. Until the next chapter! 

Love you! xx


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